Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety

Page 199Valentine card is quickly tossed in the garbage, instead of being displayed on the refrigerator door. Or the child may get the high five and a seemingly proud smile but itis obviously phony and forced. When the child works hard, the parent might make comments like, "Don't study so hard. You'll tire yourself." Or, "I don't care if youwin, only that you have a good time." Consequently, success carries a mixed blessing: pride mixed with guilt, as if their child has done something of which to feelashamed. To not risk losing the parent's love, the child adopts a losing strategy: Failure buys love.As a child, Hannah, a highly intelligent and deep thinking woman, only pleased her deeply insecure father if she behaved ineptly. When she spilled her milk, he laughedas if she were so adorable. When she brought home a highly creative paper Easter bonnet that she made and that won first place, he dismissed it as "nice" and"accidentally" sat on it. In seventh grade, she signed her best friend's yearbook ''Goofy" because goofiness got you love; competence got you rejection.Although Hannah eventually become an internationally recognized artist, it wasn't until she was in her 30s, and only then after five years of analysis, that she could evenfinish a painting. Freeing her imprisoned talents and abilities meant sacrificing her father's stultifying love­relinquishing the occasional twinkle in his eye and settling onlyfor the usual long silences, interspersed with indifference and anger. It was a hard risk to take; her self­worth had depended on her father's approval. Only after shehad strengthened and solidified her sense of self through analysis could she begin to understand and accept that the fault lay within him, not within her­that it was hisown insecurities that prevented him from appreciating her strengths, not something inherently unlovable about her. When her self­worth no longer depended on hislove, her muses broke free and took flight.Success Doesn't Buy Love, So Why Bother?Succeeding at something takes hard work and not everyone has Hannah's strong drive against all odds. Most expect some payoff: money, a smile, a word ofcongratulation. When you don't get it­your spouse didn't compliment you for getting an "A" on your exam; your boss, always quick to tell you when you've donesomething wrong, said nothing about how you handled that client with finesse­you may feel success is not worth the effort and not try again.You tell yourself that it shouldn't matter­that your self­worth should not ride on the compliments of others. But that doesn't stop the hurt. If you had hard­to­pleaseparents, nothing you ever did was enough to get that smile and gleam in their eye. When people fail to notice and comment on your successes, you feel that old sting ofparental indifference or anger surface, and success, rather than make you happy, makes you feel anxious.