ETHICAL

Opening an Existing Relationship
way up to actual dates, sleepovers, and sex. The items that wind up on
your Yes lists are the ones to start with, and then you can negotiate
what it would take to make it safe enough to try something on your
Maybe list. The No list states your absolute limits at this time and
maybe forever. Compare this to your "Hierarchy of Hard" cards we
talked about in the exercise earlier in this chapter. These two exercises
you will use over and over again, because each time you get good at
any part of what you are attempting, the scary level of all the items
will change. Every time you learn something new, you become stronger
and more confident.
EX E RC I 5 E The Twenty-Minute Fight
Make an appointment with your partner to discuss something you
don't agree on for twenty minutes. Find a good ti me when you can
focus, and when you won't have to do anything stressful right afterperhaps
plan to watch a movie.
Try this first with a small disagreement, something not terribly heated,
just for practice. How do you manage to stop after twenty minutes when
the discussion isn't finished? Our most difficult disagreements are not
going to be resolved in hours of talking, arguing, or yelling-maybe
not even in weeks or months. Difficult issues take time to work on. So
one important skill is to open up the controversy, and then figure out
a way to stop and close it back down till the next time.
Use good communication tools, and set the timer. When the twenty
minutes are up, take a few deep breaths and let go, let go, let go of
wherever you are in the argument. It is a terrifically useful skill to know
how to stop. It is much safer to start ta lking about a controversy when
you have agreed not to yell at each other till you are exhausted and
go to bed in a huff. You may find that after you stop talking you will
be thinking about what you said, and what your partner said, and in
a day or two you may very well get some new ideas about how you
feel and what might work. By the time you come together next week
for Twenty-Minute Fight round two, you may surprise yourselves by
how much closer to understanding or accepting each other's positions
you have come.
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