ETHICAL

THE ETHICAL SLUT
sexual community, it is important to deal with each relationship within
its own boundaries. For example, you figure out your limits with your
partner before you go to the sex party, you don't use your mistress
to diss your wife, and decisions are made with input from everybody
affected by them and not behind anybody's back.
Communities based on sex and intimacy work best when everybody
has respect for everybody's relationships, which includes not only lovers
but also children and families of origin and neighbors and exes and so
on. Such communities can evolve into highly connected family systems
when everyone is conscious of and caring about boundaries.
Be willing to learn from your mistakes. Boundaries can get tricky
at times, so we hope you give yourself lots of slack to explore. Expect
to learn by trial and error, and expect to make plenty of errors. Forgive
yourself for anything that doesn't work out the way you hoped
it would. Remember, you can't learn from your errors if you always
have to be right!
DUMPING
One place where people often get confused is differentiating between
the honest sharing of feelings and dumping. Dumping means using others
as your garbage pit, spewing your problematic stuff all over them
and leaving it there. Dumping usually carries the expectation that the
dumpee will do something about the problem, even if it's simply to take
on the burden of worrying so that the dumper can stop. Usually you
can avoid dumping by making it totally clear that your need to share
your emotional state carries no obligation for your listener: "I don't
like your having a date with Paula tonight," followed by a heavy and
pregnant silence, carries an entirely different weight than "I'm feeling
insecure about your date with Paula tonight, but 1 want you to go ahead
and have it. Are you okay with listening to some of my fears? Can we
talk a bit about ways that 1 might be able to feel a little safer?"
PROJECTION
Another trick to watch out for is projection. No, not the kind you find
at the movies on Saturday night! Projection is when you use another
person as a screen to run your movie on. You see your fantasy and
miss the real person. You imagine you know this person's thoughts,
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