ETHICAL

Infinite Possibilities
are "primaries," the people they love but don't live with are "secondaries,"
the people they enjoy spending (often sexual) time with, but aren't
necessarily in love with, are "tertiaries."
While this terminology is pervasive, and sometimes useful as a
shorthand, we have some concerns about a system that inherently
ranks the importance of the people in our lives. Janet says, "E is my
life partner and Dossie is my coauthor. If I'm buying a house, E's the
most important; if I'm writing a book, Dossie is. Each of them has
their own place in my life-why do I have to rank them?"
Circles and Tribes
"Circle" is a word we use for a set of connections between a group of
people that actually might look more like a constellation, with some
people near the hub and connected to several others, and others near
the outside and connected to only one or two and, perhaps, part of
another constellation as well. (We like the word "constellation" for
this, because in a constellation, everybody gets to be a star!) These
constellations may be casual or may become extended families, with
provisions for raising children, making a living, taking care of the sick
or aging, and purchasing property.
Dr. James Ramey, in his wonderful book Intimate Friendships,
documented his observations that nonmonogamy tended toward the
forming of what he described as kinship networks, communities bound
together by the intimacies of their sexual connections, perhaps serving
the same functions as villages did in a smaller world. Some of us have
taken to referring to our groupings as tribes.
Circles of sexual friends are common-gay men call these friends
"fuck buddies." Such circles may be open and welcome new members,
typically brought in by other members. When you are part of such a
circle, new lovers of any member are potential friends and family members
of your own, so the focus changes from competition and exclusivity
to a sense of inclusion and welcome, often very warm indeed.
Other circles are closed, with new members welcome only by agreement
with existing members. Closed circles are sometimes set up as a
strategy for safety from HIV infection and other sexually transmitted
conditions, and also to deal with alienation in an overpopulated world.
In a closed circle, the notion is that you can play with anyone in the
53