No Longer Human ( PDFDrive )

107
have been a twisted form of my weakness, an idiocy,
but the habit it engendered was taken full advantage
of by the so-called honest citizens of the world.)
That was how I happened to jot down Horiki's name
and address as they floated up from the distant
recesses of my memory.
After leaving Flatfish's house I walked as far as
Shinjuku, where I sold the books I had in my
pockets. Then I stood there uncertainly, utterly at a
loss what to do. Though I have always made it my
practice to be pleasant to everybody, I have not once
actually experienced friendship. I have only the most
painful recollections of my various acquaintances
with the exception of such companions in pleasure
as Horiki. I have frantically played the clown in
order to disentangle myself from these painful relationships,
only to wear myself out as a result. Even
now it comes as a shock if by chance I notice in the
street a face resembling someone I know however
slightly, and I am at once seized by a shivering
violent enough to make me dizzy. I know that I am
liked by other people, but I seem to be deficient in
the faculty to love others. (I should add that I have
very strong doubts as to whether even human beings
really possess this faculty.) It was hardly to be
expected that someone like myself could ever develop
any close friendships—besides, I lacked even the