No Longer Human ( PDFDrive )

55
were incredibly inept; and I was obliged to experiment
for myself entirely without direction, using
every method of expression which came to me, I
owned a set of oil paints and brushes from the time
I entered high school. I sought to model my techniques
on those of the Impressionist School, but my pictures
remained flat as paper cutouts, and seemed to oflfer
no promise of ever developing into anything. But
Takeichi's words made me aware that my mental attitude
towards painting had been completely mistaken.
What superficiality—and what stupidity—there is in
trying to depict in a pretty manner things which one
has thought pretty. The masters through their subjective
perceptions created beauty out of trivialities.
They did not hide their interest even in things which
were nauseatingly ugly, but soaked themselves in the
pleasure of depicting them. In other words, they
seemed not to rely in the least on the misconceptions
of others. Now that I had been initiated by Takeichi
into these root secrets of the art of painting, I began
to do a few self-portraits, taking care that they not be
seen by my female visitors.
The pictures I drew were so heart-rending as to
stupefy even myself. Here was the true self I had so
desperately hidden. I had smiled cheerfully; I had
made others laugh; but this was the harrowing reality.
I secretly affirmed this self, was sure that there was