No Longer Human ( PDFDrive )

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matter how painful it is. That's the only way to increase
the efficiency of my work. You've noticed how
healthy I've been of late." Then, playfully, "Well, to
work. To work, to work."
Once, late at night, I knocked on the door of the
pharmacy. As soon as I caught sight of the woman in
her nightgown hobbling forward on her crutches, I
threw my arms around her and kissed her. I pretended
to weep.
She handed me a box without a word.
By the time I had come to realize acutely that
drugs were as abominable, as foul—no, fouler—than
gin, I had already become an out-and-out addict. I
had truly reached the extreme of shamelessness. Out
of the desire to obtain the drug I began again to make
copies of pornographic pictures. I also had what might
literally be called a very ugly affair with the crippled
woman from the pharmacy.
I thought, "I want to die. I want to die more
than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery.
No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I
do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied
to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see
a waterfall framed in summer leaves—it was not for
the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one
foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and
my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want