Australian Tales - Setis

She lived upon nothing but victuals and drink.
And victuals and drink were the chief of her diet,
But yet this old woman could never be quiet.”
Mrs. Lemonpip lived upon victuals and drink, and not very small
quantities either; but as it is not gallant to refer to a lady's gustatory
affairs, I will touch as delicately on that subject as possible. In person she
was short and stout, with a round, batter freckly face, like a pudding
sprinkled with allspice. Her nose was the most cheerful looking feature
belonging to her, for it was always more or less rubicund, and had a
comical turn up at the extreme tip, as if it were trying to provoke the
sharp grey eyes just above, to cut it off — or pertly challenging the
clamorous mouth below to storm it from its snug position, between two
wrinkles, or rolls of fat face.
Mrs. Lemonpip was forty-six years of age, though she might have been
mistaken for fifty. Her temper was seldom sweet, or even quiet, except
when she was asleep. Her manner was rarely, or never inviting, and at
times she was as unapproachable as a prickly pear tree. Poor old
Lemonpip was always patient under the petticoat despotism of his better
half, and quietly bore nagging and threatening, which would have
provoked many less prudent men to acts of violence, or to run away to
California.
I once heard of a burly Yorkshire farmer who always stood still and
grinned while his choleric little dot of a wife thumped his hips and ribs
(she could reach no higher) with all her might. On being asked one day
by a wondering looker-on, why he did not stop her fierce pugilistic
attacks on his person, the farmer good naturedly replied, “whoy she
loikes it, and it doan't hurt me.”
Mr. Lemonpip, perhaps, made similar generous allowance for his
wife's unamiable weaknesses, but he did not imitate the tantalising
indifference of the Yorkshire farmer. Mrs. Lemonpip was often cross and
disagreeable, but her good husband did not taunt or tease her, on the
contrary, he tried all he could to soothe her. He loved her, as all good
husbands love their wives, and he could not bear the idea of death
separating them for ever, so he earnestly prayed for her reformation; and
at the same time he set her an example of meekness, temperance, charity,
and other Christian virtues (which her every day acts proved that she
sadly lacked), for he endorsed the maxim “that those are the best
instructors whose lives speak for them.”
Chapter II.
THE preceding chapter introduced Mr. and Mrs. Lemonpip, but I may
further inform the reader, that they lived in the centre of a row of three