divine-mercy-in-my-soul

(9) At a certain point, there came to me the very powerful impression that I am rejected by
God. This terrible thought pierced my soul right through; in the midst of the suffering my
soul began to experience the agony of death. I wanted to die but could not. The thought
came to me: of what use is it to strive for virtues; why mortify oneself when all this is
disagreeable to God? When I made this known to the Directress of Novices, I received
this reply, “Know, dear Sister, that God has chosen you for great sanctity. This is a sign
that God wants to have you very close to Himself in Heaven. Have great trust in the Lord
Jesus.”
That dreadful thought of being rejected by God is the actual torture suffered by the
damned. I fled to Jesus‟ Wounds and repeated the words of trust, but these words
became for me an even greater torture. I went before the Blessed Sacrament, and I
began to speak to Jesus: “Jesus, You said that a mother would sooner forget her infant
than God His creature, and that „even if she would forget her infant, I, God, will never
forget My creature.‟ O Jesus, do You hear how my soul is moaning? Deign to hear the
painful whimpers of Your child. I trust in You, O God, because heaven and earth will
pass, but Your word will last forever.” Still, I found not a moment of relief.
24 One day, just as I had awakened, when I was putting myself in the presence of God, I
was suddenly overwhelmed by despair. Complete darkness in the soul. I fought as best I
could till noon. In the afternoon, truly deadly fears began to seize me; my physical
strength began to leave me. I went quickly to my cell, fell on my knees before the Crucifix
and began to cry out for mercy. But Jesus did not hear my cries. I felt my physical
strength leave me completely. I fell to the ground, despair flooding my whole soul. I
suffered terrible tortures in no way different from the torments of hell. I was in this state
for three quarters of an hour. I wanted to go and see the Directress, but was too weak. I
wanted to shout but I had no voice. Fortunately, one of the sisters [another novice, Sister
Placida Putyra] came into my cell. Finding me in such a strange condition, she
immediately told the Directress about it. Mother came at once. As soon as she entered
the cell she said, “In the name of holy obedience 16 get up from the ground.” Immediately
some force raised me up from the ground and I stood up, close to the dear Mother
Directress. (10) With kindly words she began to explain to me that this was a trial sent to
me by God, saying, “Have great confidence; God is always our Father, even when He
sends us trials.”
I returned to my duties as if I had come out from the tomb, my senses saturated with what
my soul had experienced. During the evening service, my soul began to agonize again in
a terrible darkness. I felt that I was in the power of the Just God, and that I was the object
of His indignation. During these terrible moments I said to God, “Jesus, who in the
Gospel compare Yourself to a most tender mother, 17 I trust in Your words because You
are Truth and Life. In spite of everything, Jesus, I trust in You in the face of every interior
sentiment which sets itself against hope. Do what You want with me; I will never leave
You, because You are the source of my life.” Only one who has lived through similar
moments can understand how terrible is this torment of the soul.
25 During the night, the Mother of God visited me, holding the Infant Jesus in Her arms. My
soul was filled with joy, and I said, “Mary, my Mother, do You know how terribly I suffer?”
And the Mother of God answered me, I know how much you suffer, but do not be afraid. I
share with you your suffering, and I shall always do so. She smiled warmly and
disappeared. At once, strength and a great courage sprang up anew in my soul; but that
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