divine-mercy-in-my-soul

The Lord would have it that way. But then, strangely enough, even exteriorly I began to
experience (60) various failures. This brought down on me many sufferings of all sorts,
known to God alone.
But I tried as best I could to do everything with the purest of intentions. I could now see
that everywhere I was being watched like a thief: in the chapel; while I was carrying out
my duties; in my cell. 40 I was now aware that, besides the presence of God, I had always
close to me a human presence as well. And I must say that, more than once, this human
presence bothered me greatly. There were times when I wondered whether I should
undress to wash myself or not. Indeed, even that poor bed of mine was checked many
times. 41 More than once I was seized with laughter when I learned they would not even
leave my bed alone. One of the sisters herself told me that she came to observe me in
my cell every evening to see how I behave in it.
Still, superiors are always superiors. And although they humiliated me personally and, on
occasions, filled me with all kinds of doubts, they always allowed me to do what the Lord
demanded. Though not in the way I asked, but in some other way, they fulfilled the Lord‟s
demands and gave me permission for all the rigors and mortifications [He asked of me].
One day, one of the Mothers [probably Mother Jane] poured out so much of her anger on me
and humiliated me so much that I thought I would not be able to endure it. She said to
me, “You queer, hysterical visionary, get out of this room; go on with you, Sister!” She
continued to pour out upon my head everything she could think of. When I got to my cell,
I fell on my face before the cross, and then looked at Jesus; but I could no longer say a
single word. Yet I concealed everything from the others and pretended that nothing had
happened between us.
129 Satan always takes advantage of such moments; thoughts of discouragement began to
rise to the surface – for your faithfulness and sincerity – this is your reward. How can one
be sincere when one is so misunderstood? Jesus, Jesus, I cannot go on any longer.
Again I fell to the ground under this weight, and broke out in a sweat, and fear began to
overcome me. I had no one to lean on interiorly. Suddenly I heard a voice within my
soul, Do not fear; I am with you. And an unusual light illumined my mind, and I
understood that I should not give in to such sorrows. I was filled with a certain strength
and left my cell with new courage to suffer.
130 (61) Nevertheless, I began to grow a bit negligent. I did not pay attention to these interior
inspirations and tried to distract myself. But despite the noise and the distraction, I could
see what was going on in my soul. The word of god is clear, and nothing can stifle it. I
began to avoid encounters with the Lord in my soul because I did not want to fall prey to
illusions. However, in a sense, the Lord kept pursuing me with His gifts; and truly I
experienced, alternately, torture and joy. I make no mention here of the various visions
and graces God granted me during this time, because I‟ve written this down elsewhere. 42
131 But I will simply mention here that these various sufferings had come to a peak, and I
resolved to put an end to these doubts of mine before my perpetual vows. Throughout
my probation, I prayed for light for the priest to whom I was to open up my soul to its
depths. I asked God that He Himself would help me and grant me the grace to be able to
express even the most secret things that exist between me and Him and to be so
disposed that, whatever the priest would decide, I would accept as coming from Jesus
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