Billy Bunter's Benefit By Frank Richards - Friardale

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Billy Bunter’s Benefit By Frank Richards “A—a—a very peculiar aroma,” gasped Mr. Capper. “It is growing worse,” said Mr. Hacker. “Much worse!” said Mr. Lascelles. “Mon Dieu! Mais c’est aifreuse!” gurgled Monsieur Charpentier. “Je n’en comprends rien—mais c’est affreuse.” It was bad to begin with. But it was certainly growing worse—much worse—rapidly worse. As Hamlet, in the Rag. was remarking. “Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind!” What was the cause of it was a mystery to the beaks. They were not likely to guess, in a hurry, that a Fifth-form man had clambered on the roof, to drop smoky stink-bombs down the chimney of the Rag and dish the theatrical performance there. Nor were they likely to guess that Coker of the Fifth had selected the wrong chimney, and was dropping his stink-bombs down the chimney of Common-Room in mistake for that of the Rag! These things were quite unknown to the Masters’ Meeting. Naturally they had not the remotest idea of the extraordinary activities of Coker of the Fifth. “Bless my soul!” said the Head again. He half-rose. “Something is wrong with the chimney!” said Mr. Prout, staring at the fireplace with bulging eyes. “There is no fire, but smoke is coming from the chimney—.” “Extraordinary!” “Upon my word!” “Oooooogh!” “Urrrrggh!” “Something—something is falling down the chimney!” exclaimed Mr. Quelch. He started to his feet. “I distinctly saw something fall—.” “I—I—I heard something!” ejaculated Mr. Hacker. “It was rather like the popping of a cork—.” “Urrrrrgh!” gurgled Prout. “This is—is—is intolerable! Why, the room is filling with—with vapour—and the—the smell—urrrggh!” All the masters were on their feet now. Decorum was forgotten— solemnity thrown to the winds. “Gentlemen!” gasped the Head. A rush of aroma from the fireplace caught him, and nearly deprived him of breath, and he could only gasp, “Gentlemen, in the—the circumstances, I think we will adjourn the meeting—.” “Grooooogh!” from Prout. “Oooooch!” from Hacker. Dr. Locke sailed majestically doorward. Majestic as he was, his Page 152 of 161
Billy Bunter’s Benefit By Frank Richards movements were considerably more hurried than was his wont. The whole room was reeking with vapour and horrid smells, and it was more than flesh and blood could stand. Mr. Lascelles opened the door for him, and the Head sailed out. “Urrgh! We had better go—!” gasped Prout. “Wurrggh! Immediately!” gurgled Mr. Capper. “Mon Dieu!” “But what can have happened—?” “Goodness knows! This dreadful smell—.” “It is really frightful—.” “Urrrggh!” The Head sailed out more or less majestically. But after him there was quite a cram in the doorway. For some moments, the scene in the doorway of Common- Room bore a resemblance to a Rugby scrum. Lascelles lingered last, to open the windows, He was looking quite pale when he rejoined his colleagues in the corridor, and hastily drew the door shut after him, to cut off the pursuing scent. Had Coker of the Fifth found the right chimney, there was no doubt that the performance of “Hamlet” by W. Shakespeare would have been interrupted, dished, and completely knocked on the head. Actors and audience would have fled from the devastating scene. That fine stock of ancient stink-bombs that Coker had rooted out at Lantham had, perhaps, grown more potent with keeping. Anyhow, they gave out a smell that could almost have been cut with a knife. The Remove Dramatic Society certainly would have been routed—had Coker of the Fifth found the right chimney. “Fortunately for the Remove Dramatic Society, unfortunately for the Masters’ Meeting, Coker hadn’t. “Hamlet” hadn’t been stunk out of the Rag, as Coker had planned. The Masters’ Meeting had been stunk out of Common-Room. And after the Head had majestically retired from the scene, a crowd of excited beaks, outside the door of Common-Room, seethed with excitement and wrath. “It is a trick,” said Mr. Quelch, in a voice compared with which the filing of a saw might have been considered musical. “Something was thrown down the chimney from above—.” “Something of a dreadfully malodorous nature!” gasped Wiggins. “But how—?” gasped Prout. “By whom?” stuttered Capper. “Is it known,” said Mr. Lascelles, “whether any boy in the school was in possession of those very unpleasant articles called stink-bombs—?” “That is it!” exclaimed Mr. Quelch. “A trick, as I said—some sort of Page 153 of 161
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Billy Bunter's Benefit By Frank Richards - Friardale

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