A Pragmatic Guide To Communication & Change.pdf - NLP Info Centre

his response will give you a surprising amount of information about how lie perceives the
world around him. You tray also get indications of personal rules (see Chapter II) which
the speaker utilized in building and maintaining his model of reality. Iu the above
illustration, if the woman were asked how she "knew" that the man "isn't even interested,"
her response. might be "Well, he never seems to took the straight in the eye when we talk.
And he doesn't seem to notice when I wear something nice." With this information you
now know that for her, looking her straight in the eye and commenting oil her clothes
means that you are "interested." This can be particularly important information to have in
a family setting or in other close relationships. The following excerpt from a family
therapy session exemplifies how this linguistic pattern often occurs.
Jack I,., having arrived late to the session, immediately turned to his wife, saying, "I know
what you're thinking, all of you! You're disappointed in me. You think I've failed yet,
again. You don't even like to(• anymore. I'm just a 'bum' to you. Oh. I know you won't
ztdmit it, but 1 eau tell."
I 0I
Somehow, Jack has decided that he already knows what is in each person's head, what
their thoughts and feelings are. Having arrived late to the session, these ideas of his are
not based on any "concrete" evidence. This is coming from his own expectations, from
his own model of the world. This is easily demonstrated by the responses of the other
family members to his verbal "outbreak" as he walked into the rocnn. His wife, Joan,
speaks first, then their t7-year-old daughter Susan:
.Joan, speaking softly: "Where did that come from? You know Jack, I was just
about to tell you how happy J was to see you. I want you to know I'm glad you
decided to come (Joan starts to cry), and I don't think you're a bum ....I love
Susan: "Me too, daddy. What makes you think we're disappointed in you? I'm
just glad you're here."
The therapist next asked, "Jack, what was it that led you to think that everyone was
disappointed in you, that they didn't like you and thought you were a bum?" Jack's
response tells as n great deal about his model of the world, including some of his own
personal rules.
"Well, I don't know. When I walked in, I saw that everyone was sitting with their
arms folded, you know, like they were all mad or something. When I went to sit
down by my wife, she wouldn't look at me, she just ' kept staring ;it the floor, you
know, like people do when they're pissed off. I know that look! Susfe, there, she
just frowned ;it me, like I was some kind of loon, you know, some stranger. J've
done a lot of things I shouldn't have; it would serve me right if nobody liked
me!"
98
On the Lighter Side
Humor can have an important place in the therapeutic setting. When the client comes
in and is under a great deal of stress and pain, the seriousness of the situation may at
times pervade the session. However, humor is an important part of our experience, and
when we can laugh at ourselves, it is sometimes easier to accept and change our
foibles and failings. The therapist who can utilize humor to lighten, without making
light of, the process of change and discovery can often use this talent to quickly gain