A Pragmatic Guide To Communication & Change.pdf - NLP Info Centre

of the verb in a sentence rather than doing the action of the verb. You may recognize
this pattern as being typical of someone who is depressed. Statements like "Nobody
cares about me," and "I sometimes think everyone is out to get me," are examples of this
pattern. In both sentences, the speaker has removed himself from a position of being "in
charge" of the action and has given the power of acting to someone else. The "me," or
speaker, then becomes a helpless victim of whom or whatever is in charge. This is a
common pattern used by individuals operating from the kinesthetic system.
The illustration below shows another aspect of this violation. Not only does the man
apparently perceive himself as powerless, but he also fails to recognize that he is doing
the very thing he is complaining about.
Reversed Referential Index
The famous Gestalt therapist Fritz Perls called this linguistic pattern "projection." As
Martin Shepard says in her book Fritz, on Page 205...... whatever we believe about or
see in another person or the world at large is invariably a projection. Thus a statement
such as 'Nancy is a gossip' was to be rephrased as 'I am a gossip.' " She goes on to say
that, as people begin to take responsibility for themselves this way, ". . they have the
possibility of having an 'Aha" experience, in which there is the recognition 'This is me!'
This is referred to as oeuning projections."
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By requiring his clients to reverse positions and become the "active" agent in the
sentence, Fritz Perls would put the clients back in charge of the processes of their own
existence. This transformed perception of themselves often produced some surprising
insights into the model-building behaviors of his clients.
Other examples of this reversal technique are:
Speaker: "tie's no good for me."
Response: "Try saying, 'I'm no good for him,' and tell me what you experience."
Speaker: "Everybody hates me."
Response: "Try saying this. 'I hate everybody."
Speaker: "Nobody loves me."
Response: "Can you say `I love nobody?"'
Another form of this violation is often demonstrated by people operating out of the
visual communication category. Remember that "visuals" organize experiences in such
a way as to prevent "contact" with those around them. One way of maintaining this
distance is with the linguistic pattern of reversed referential index. The Meta Model
response to these violations will be the same as those above, and you will likely get the
same results, the introspective "Aha!"
Examples of this form are:
Speaker: "He never seems to understand me."
Response: "I wonder if you would mind saying, 'I never seem to understand him.'
"
Speaker: "She's the one who always seems to get us into these messes.' "
Response: "Would you mind saying, 'I'm the one who always get us into these
messes'?' "
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