The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F_ck

all.” If cheaters can’t express their shitty values, and show
that those values have been overridden, then there’s no
reason to believe that they can be trusted. And if they can’t
be trusted, then the relationship is not going to get better or
change.
The other factor in regaining trust after it’s been broken
is a practical one: a track record. If someone breaks your
trust, words are nice; but you then need to see a consistent
track record of improved behavior. Only then can you begin
trusting that the cheater’s values are now aligned properly
and the person really will change.
Unfortunately, building a track record for trust takes time
—certainly a lot more time than it takes to break trust. And
during that trust-building period, things are likely to be
pretty shitty. So both people in the relationship must be
conscious of the struggle they’re choosing to undertake.
I use the example of cheating in a romantic relationship,
but this process applies to a breach in any relationship.
When trust is destroyed, it can be rebuilt only if the
following two steps happen: 1) the trust-breaker admits the
true values that caused the breach and owns up to them,
and 2) the trust-breaker builds a solid track record of
improved behavior over time. Without the first step, there
should be no attempt at reconciliation in the first place.
Trust is like a china plate. If you break it once, with some
care and attention you can put it back together again. But if
you break it again, it splits into even more pieces and it
takes far longer to piece together again. If you break it more
and more times, eventually it shatters to the point where it’s
impossible to restore. There are too many broken pieces,
and too much dust.
Freedom Through Commitment
Consumer culture is very good at making us want more,
more, more. Underneath all the hype and marketing is the