The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F_ck

“It bugs me that my brother doesn’t return my texts or
emails.”
Why?
“Because it feels like he doesn’t give a shit about me.”
Why does this seem true?
“Because if he wanted to have a relationship with me, he
would take ten seconds out of his day to interact with
me.”
Why does his lack of relationship with you feel like a
failure?
“Because we’re brothers; we’re supposed to have a good
relationship!”
Two things are operating here: a value that I hold dear,
and a metric that I use to assess progress toward that value.
My value: brothers are supposed to have a good relationship
with one another. My metric: being in contact by phone or
email—this is how I measure my success as a brother. By
holding on to this metric, I make myself feel like a failure,
which occasionally ruins my Saturday mornings.
We could dig even deeper, by repeating the process:
Why are brothers supposed to have a good relationship?
“Because they’re family, and family are supposed to be
close!”
Why does that seem true?
“Because your family is supposed to matter to you more
than anyone else!”
Why does that seem true?
“Because being close with your family is ‘normal’ and
‘healthy,’ and I don’t have that.”
In this exchange I’m clear about my underlying value—
having a good relationship with my brother—but I’m still
struggling with my metric. I’ve given it another name,
“closeness,” but the metric hasn’t really changed: I’m still