(the) American (Novel of)

Gay Etiquette
Rarely does life provide so vivid an opportunity to watch as thoughtless
behavior is sparked into puzzlement. “What is the matter?” their
crinkled eyes and furrowed foreheads say. “Why is this happening?”
We stand still, pedestrian antagonists, for five seconds, ten seconds,
fifteen seconds. From their points of view, choices are limited. Wait until
the two fellows wake up and move around us. Split up and pass them.
Stay together and walk into the street.
Without a word between them or to us, they divide. We take their
cue a short but gratifying instant afterward, and divide as well. Bread
and butter, gay bread and butter.
� � �
This patient partner of mine told me recently that someone he
met at a party asked him, after he mentioned me in passing, which was
“the one who cooked.” The question, memorably rude in itself as well
as superbly ignorant of contemporary domestic life, was indirect and
probably considered polite—a polite way of asking who is butch and
who fem, who top and who bottom, who husband and who wife.
Neither of us. Our chef’s name is Wolfgang.
Laminating older rules of etiquette onto situations that will rot
their foundation can yield priceless results. Just look what happens
when a hoary etiquette volume tries to update its authority and powder
the wrinkle of gay.
The following examples are from the “gay couples” category of
the fiftieth anniversary edition of the serially “updated” Amy Vanderbilt
Complete Book of Etiquette (2002). Gay singles had not yet been folded
into the batter, except in this generic advice:
When Referring to Homosexuals:
“Male homosexuals are known by the word ‘gay.’ No other reference
is ever used in conversation. [That’s Mr. Faggot to you.] Women
homosexuals prefer to be called lesbians to distinguish themselves from
gay men. [Otherwise we’d never be sure.]” 2
Alternative Families:
“Instead of referring to one of the partners as ‘husband’ or ‘wife,’
you use the word ‘companion.’ The politically correct term for children
of such liaisons is simply ‘child.’ ”
“It’s up to a gay couple to decide what names they want their
child to call them.” 3
37