(the) American (Novel of)

50 Michael D. Colberg
For purposes of this discussion, I am going to talk about the private
placement of infants as it is currently being practiced in the United
States. Many people think of adoption as the transfer of parental rights
from one parent or set of parents (the birthparents) to another parent
or set of parents (the adoptive parents). A great deal of effort is expended
to make this transfer move forward as smoothly as possible. The problem
is that this definition of adoption fails to take into account the impact
that this move out of one family and into another has upon the adopted
person and both the birth and adoptive parents. There is a lot more to
adoption than the transfer of physical custody and parental rights.
Adoption is a lifelong set of relationships that begin with the
removal of a child from one family and the placement of that child into
another family. This transfer has lifelong implications for the child and
both the birth and adoptive parents. The meaning of this move, from
one family to another, will be understood differently at each stage of
the family’s development. When this is understood, a deeper form of
etiquette is followed, one that is fueled by respect and caring for adoptees
and their long-term needs. The groundwork is laid to understand that
an adopted person faces long-term challenges that are in addition to
and different from those faced by children who were not adopted.
Adopted people have to make sense of their history and reconcile
and integrate those pieces of themselves that come from their biological
background with those that come from their adoptive family. When this
is not understood, adoptees and their adoptive and birth parents are put
at a disadvantage. A form of etiquette that makes comfort in the moment
is prioritized. This increases the probability that these additional tasks
will not be acknowledged and that adoptees will grow up behaving as
if they were born into the adoptive family. At times when adoptees
wrestle with those pieces of themselves that come from their biological
heritage, we may fail to understand that this is normal developmental
growth and think that something has gone wrong.
How do parents conduct themselves in ways that take into account
their families’ short- and long-term needs? How can they use
etiquette to guide and support their parenting? In order to understand
the role that etiquette plays, we must ask, facilitate social interaction for
whom, and over what period of time? Are we considering the needs
of the adoptive and biological parents alone, or are we including the
needs of the adopted person as well? Are we merely facilitating the ease