(the) American (Novel of)

The Etiquette of Adoption
birthparents that they have made the right decision and that the baby
is now in the right place. The birthparents are encouraged to move on
with their lives. Haven’t they longed for a time when all of this would
be behind them? If the adoptive and birthparents have based their
relationship on the more superficial form of etiquette, they may feel
embarrassed about some of the feelings that now emerge. No longer
are their needs complementary. The adoptive parents want to create
their identity as a family and the birthparents need to come to some
understanding of what it means to have given birth and not be parenting.
Each set of parents is experiencing feelings that are not polite. They are
feeling the intensity of the feelings that come with an adoption. If the
foundation has not been built which allows them to acknowledge these
feelings, they tend to pull away from each other.
In situations where a real relationship has begun, it is possible to
acknowledge the present needs and realize that they are just that—
needs of the moment. Both new adoptive parents and new birthparents
have to address challenges that do not include the other. Each must
adjust to their new identity. If people have done the deep work that real
etiquette demands, they have developed a relationship which allows
them to trust in the intentions of the others. They know that as needs
change, their counterpart will be available to renegotiate their participation
based upon what is in the best interest of the child. As the child’s
needs change, the adults, who have built a relationship based on the longterm,
will feel free to be in contact with each other, each feeling willing
and able to do their part in helping to make the child feel whole.
As the years pass the adoptive parents realize that their interest lies
not, as it was in the beginning, in becoming parents, but rather in being
the best parents that they can be. The birthparents realize that placing
a child for adoption did not end their relationship to that child nor
their concern for that child. It becomes apparent that the child has
needs, and depending upon which form of etiquette guided their earlier
relationship, they either have or have not built a foundation which
makes it easier to facilitate their child’s well-being.
The relationship that it is most important to honor is the children’s
relationship with themselves. That is the relationship that we want to
make easy. We therefore need to act in a child-centered way. We should
ask ourselves, is what we are doing, when viewed through a childcentered
lens, making it easier for children to value all of who they
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