(the) American (Novel of)

56 Michael D. Colberg
The entire discussion tends to limit itself to becoming rather than being
adoptive parents.
Pregnant women and couples often feel an enormous amount of
stress. They may feel some shame about being in a situation where they
will have to place a baby for adoption. They want this period in their
lives to be over. They are no longer experiencing the present but are
trying to reach for a time when this experience is behind them. They
are often easily led down a path that works against learning about and
questioning their own long-term needs, their confusion about parenting
or placing their child for adoption or their understanding of what it
means to be a birthparent. They are often allowed to believe that their
“problem” will be solved once the baby is placed with adoptive parents.
One of the ways that this urgency is communicated is that pregnant
women or couples allow themselves to be referred to as “birthparents”
even before there is a baby. They are asked to behave as though their
decision is final even before they have given birth. Nobody explains to
them that adoptive placement does not end their relationship with the
child or with the adoptive parents. That will continue, whether in fact
or fantasy, for the rest of their lives. The truth is that birthparents are
changed by their experience and have their own ongoing developmental
challenges to address.
When the baby is born, the complementarity of needs ends. The
preadoptive parents wonder whether the adoption will actually take
place and the pregnant woman or couple need to decide whether to
parent or place the child for adoption. This can make for some anxiety
and confusion during the hospital stay following the delivery. This is
the period of time during which people may have an inkling that the
relationship that they have built based on superficial politeness and
established adoption etiquette may not have given them all of the
security that they now need in order to feel comfortable with the other
set of parents.
Once a decision has been made to move forward with an adoption
plan, physical custody of the baby is given to the preadoptive
parents, who are now called the adoptive parents. Sometimes arrangements
are made with the biological family to remain in contact and
sometimes they are not. Whatever the arrangements are, people cling to
them. The adoptive parents realize that they are not yet the legal parents
of the child and they do whatever they need to do to convey to the