978-1572305441

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Sophie 185
Sophie had to learn so much more—to go to stores without fear, to
go to school without anxiety. Manners she can probably do without.
During those difficult early school years, when Sophie resisted going to
school, the mornings were particularly troublesome for Marianne. She
had to struggle with Sophie, get her clothes on, encourage her to eat her
breakfast and get her out the door to catch the school bus. Often Sophie
put up so much resistance that she was late for the bus and Marianne
had to drive her to school. Part of the problem was that Marianne felt so
much pressure to get things done that much of the morning would be
wasted and the many things she had to accomplish that day would be
postponed. But once Marianne gave herself time, and the gift of not trying
to do everything, her sense of pressure decreased and Sophie became
more compliant. Now she was able to get Sophie off to school in a
good mood—a major accomplishment for both of them.
Greg and Marianne have learned to accommodate to Sophie’s
perspective on the world. They’ve learned to read her signals and to respond
to the subtlest forms of nonverbal communication—her grunts,
her pointing, her rocking, and her pacing around. These were all indications
of some desire or need. Above all they know her routines and her
favorite toys, foods, and activities, so they are able to anticipate the
meaning of her requests. They sometimes give in to Sophie’s demands,
recognizing that she has no way to communicate her distress other than
by having a temper tantrum, so giving in also teaches Sophie the value
of communication. This is all part of Sophie’s difficulty in modulating
her emotions to the environment. Once her parents understood that, it
became easier to tolerate the occasional upheavals. They also learned to
see that progress can be measured in small changes that others might
overlook. One day she stopped picking up branches on the way to the
library. Another day she pointed to a horse in the field while they were
driving home. These accomplishments and changes were a great joy to
them. These small steps forward were often not visible to others, but
her parents could see them and could use them as a buttress against the
despair they sometimes felt. They never doubted that Sophie loved
them, though she could never communicate that in the traditional way.
She would put her arm around her Mom and Dad, stick close to them in
unfamiliar and strange environments, sit beside them while watching
TV or when she was feeling unwell. If she seemed to reject them at
other times, they never doubted that she loved them. She never said “I
love you” to them, but of her feelings they had no doubt. They were
able to imagine her love and need for them. But most important, they