Speculum - University of Melbourne

94 SPECULUM
I know women who're thin,
I know women who're stout,
But oh, what women would I know,
If I left the apostrophe out!
The V.I.P. rose to make the key speech
of the evening.
"I came near to not being here tonight.
I got out of a sick bed to' be with you. My
secretary, poor girl, hasn't been feeling, well
for some time."
*
Feminine Voice (from a parked car):
"What were you drinking tonight—rubbing
alcohol?"
* * *
Mama, Mama, don't wait for the shrimp
boats,
Sister is coming home with the crabs.
* * *
NEWS FLASH: A girl tried to commit
suicide last night—she jumped under a fast
mail.
* * *
Sonny: Pop, what's an optimist?
Father: An optimist is a man who thinks
his wife has quit smoking cigarettes when
he finds cigar butts in the house.
She was only the Sergeant's daughter, but
she knew when to call a halt.
* * *
Harry: "Say, what's the idea of that man
committing suicide?
Bob: "He just heard Bing Crosby singing
'There'll never be another you'."
CORLAN
(hydrocortisone hemisuccinate)
PELLETS
A NAME TO REMEMBER FOR
THE TREATMENT OF
APHTHOUS ULCERS
Another product of the
GLAXO LABORATORIES
A patrol car came up and flashed a light
into the parked car.
"No parking; you can't loaf along here,"
he said.
"Do I look as if I'm loafing?" came the
reply.
* * *
Voice on the 'phone: "How do you feel
this morning?"
Lady: "Fine, thanks."
Voice: "Must have the wrong number."
* * *
Old Time Mosquito: "And to think when
I was young, I could only bite girls on the
hands and face."
* * *
She was just a second-hand dealer's
daughter, and that's why she wouldn't allow
much on the old sofa.
*
Garters, brassieres and highwaymen are
all in the same business—but at different
places.
* * *
A woman finally found that she could get
a divorce from her husband because of flat
feet—his feet were in the wrong flat.
* * *
They sat side by side in the moonlight.
She murmured as she smoothed his brow,
"Darling, I know my life's been fast, but I'm
on my last lap now."
* * *
He: "Please."
She: "No."
He: "Just this once."
She: "No, I said."
He: "Aw, hell, Mum—all the rest of the
kids go barefoot."
* * *
When does a pullet become a hen?
When she loses her first foot race.
* * *
Mrs. H. was granted a divorce when she
testified that since she and her husband
were married, he had spoken to her but
three times. She was awarded the custody
of their three children. A BLOKE LIKE
THAT SHOULD GET A MEDAL!