Derrington 2012 thesis.pdf - Anglia Ruskin Research Online

from the chorus, which he usually sang along to as he drummed, seemed to reflect his
own sense of self:
‘Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am’ (Nickelback, 2001).
I sometimes played along on the saxophone which offered some diversion from
playing along exactly to the recorded music and moved us towards making up our
own music. He concentrated hard and wanted to play well but gradually became more
interested in drumming and music than the idea of being in a band. Some of his
drumming seemed cathartic and, after playing in an improvised way, he talked about
being deaf and how he was bullied at his previous school.
Once, after playing the drums, Joe said “I got all shaky when I was playing.” I asked
him “Do your hands shake or is it just a feeling inside” to which he replied, “just a
feeling inside. When I play loudly I feel it’s running out of control.” After another
improvisation he stopped and said “I have to stop before I give myself nightmares”.
When he expressed himself freely, it clearly threatened the firm hold he was keeping
on some of his feelings. At this stage I felt it was important to continue to use prerecorded
music and the security of pretend play because improvising was potentially
too overwhelming and Joe was troubled by some of the feelings it raised.
By entering in willingly to his realm of fantasy the therapeutic relationship developed
and was strengthened. On one occasion, when I was interviewing him as a drummer
in a famous band on television, I put on a different voice and overacted my part. He
then answered in different voices, engaging in the humour and silliness. Joe always
really enjoyed these exchanges; he knew that they involved honest feelings and
accounts, as well as fun and imaginative play. Engaging like this seemed to invite a
freedom which helped him to be more open and share some of his thoughts. He
gradually talked more about where he used to live and that he never wanted to return.
Without having needed to talk explicitly about the difficult time he had obviously
been through, he had processed many of the feelings associated with living abroad
and his subsequent return to the UK.
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