2011 - Talk Birth

The Spot « Talk Birth | Diaper Earth (2012-01-04 05:45:40)
[...] my brand new baby boy! (2006). ———. In the original article, … See original here: The Spot « Talk Birth
Tags: active-birth, activism, birth, birth-classes, birth-education, facebook, family, midwifery, [...]
1.5 May
The Five Ways We Grieve (2011-05-03 07:00)
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”...most people are unaware that our losses affect us forever, since they cause us to see the world and ourselves
differently. The task of discovering ’Who am I now?’ and finding our own path to healing represents one of
the greatest challenges of the grieving process.” –Susan Berger
I recently received a request to review a new book, The Five Ways we Grieve, by Susan Berger. I was
instantly intrigued by the book and felt like while it is not specifically about pregnancy loss, it might still
have helpful information to contribute to mothers who are coping with pregnancy loss. And, it does not
disappoint! The book describes the five ”identities” survivors of loss assume and the ways in which these
identities transform or paralyze. While the experience of pregnancy loss is often minimized or marginalized
culturally as less significant than other types of loss, the reality is that many women experience profound
and genuine grief that is just as ”real” as any other sort of grief and loss. When I found out that my tiny
son had died after 14 weeks of pregnancy, I experienced a depth of sadness never before experienced in my
life. I felt a sorrow so profound and full of anguish that I feel certain it was the same type of grief I would
experience at the death of any of my dearly loved children. While some might find this surprising (or even
impossible), because the baby wasn’t born yet, I believe that the pit of despair one enters after losing a child
is the same regardless of the age of the child and whether born or not—perhaps the duration of grief might
be shorter for some, but the initial shock, impact, and sense of intense loss and sadness is the same. And,
while my own first loss may be defined by some as, ”just a miscarriage,” the reality is that I gave birth to
a third tiny son in the privacy of my own home—a real, little baby with fingers and toes and whose little
fluttery kicks I had just been beginning to feel.
So, regardless of the size of person who died, I very readily recognized myself in the descriptions of the
five identities explored in The Five Ways We Grieve. Most people are familiar with the classic ”5 Stages
of Grief” model developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance),
however, these stages most readily apply to people who are dying, not to the survivors. While survivors still
speak of moving through these stages, they are not really adequate to describe the experience of grieving a
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