2011 - Talk Birth

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I’m sure many of you know Perfect Mama—she gives birth with joy and ease, preferably at home and possibly unassisted. She breastfeeds responsively and for as long as her child needs—even through subsequent pregnancies and babies. She uses cloth diapers, or even better, no diapers at all because she practices elimination communication. She eats only organic foods and is perhaps vegetarian or vegan. She is always happy and creative and ready to play. She homeschools. She stays home, or, she effortlessly balances fulfilling work with a baby on her hip. She babywears and co-sleeps and grows her own food. She is “green” in her life and buying habits. She does not circumcise and she never forgets to boycott Nestle. Her family does not watch TV. She uses gentle, patient, loving discipline—no snapping or snarling. She never yells or gets angry and she never, never feels resentful or irritable. I see in myself, in my friends, and in online communities, a ready tendency to judge or evaluate other mothers based on this inner checklist of good, “natural mothering” behaviors/practices, rather than seeing her as who and how she really is. There is also the tendency to hide the “ugly” parts ourselves or the parts that don’t conform to the checklist. I actually meet many of the criteria on this checklist and in many ways (at least on paper!) I am “Perfect Mama.” Except, I do not always do it all with a smile on my face. That is my major failure. I am painfully aware—mindful—that, though I always love my children, I do not love every single moment I spend with them. It hurts to recognize and confess that I do not always cherish and adore being a mother. When I look past all the “right answers” on the checklist, guess what is left? Just me. For better or for worse. I’m afraid that many of us trade the rigidity and prescribed values and ideals of the dominant culture, for a new set of natural family living values that we cling to with just as much rigidity and dogma. If I look at being a mindful mama as an entity, a goal, an ideal to achieve, an assignment on which to get an A, then I’ve missed much of the point. Being a mindful mama isn’t about a rigid constellation of proper behaviors and ideas. It isn’t about struggling to conform to a mold. It is about being there, showing up, being present for life as it unfolds, and offering myself to my children fully, imperfectly, and whole. Cultivating self-acceptance alongside the “witness.” And, picking up the pieces when I fall, and trying again. Finding My Authentic Mothering Wisdom I continue to discover how I might clear our mental space to find my own authentic mothering wisdom. I am learning that being a mindful mama isn’t truly about a specific collection of beliefs and behaviors—the checklist—but is about responsiveness and presence. I open my heart and vow to be here now. To tune in—to really look and breathe and smell and hear. Perhaps if I throw out the checklist, it is enough to look daily upon my life and my children with gratitude and love. To pause in the moment and drink it in. To really see my little ones before me. To stretch my arms wide to embrace them and to embrace the flow of life. To hold myself in the inner light of love and compassion. To try to do better—but in moving forward, rather than looking back with harshness and self-criticism. Perhaps I can love and accept right here, right now, even if that nowness sometimes involves a Happy Meal, or a raised voice, or red food coloring, or an Elmo movie. Perhaps parenting authentically, from the heart, can’t be learned in a book or through application of a theory, but only through being there and being aware—of both the beauty and the messiness. Perhaps it means a loosening of attachment to attachment parenting as a prescribed set of practices and beliefs. Perhaps it means being a more loving friend to my own imperfect self. 375
Molly Remer, MSW, ICCE is a certified birth educator, writer, and activist. She is a breastfeeding counselor, editor of the Friends of Missouri Midwives newsletter, and a professor of Human Services. She has two wonderful sons, Lann and Zander, and one delightful infant daughter, Alaina and lives in central Missouri. She blogs about birth at [2]http://talkbirth.wordpress.com, midwifery at [3]http://cfmidwifery.blogspot.com, and miscarriage at [4]http://tinyfootprintsonmyheart.wordpress.com. Mindful Mama: Presence & Perfectionism in Parenting by Molly Remer, was published in [5]Natural Life, July/August, 2011, [6] 1. http://www.facebook.com/PortraitsAndPaws 2. file://localhost/mnt/ext/blogbooker/tmp/ 3. http://cfmidwifery.blogspot.com/ 4. http://tinyfootprintsonmyheart.wordpress.com/ 5. http://www.naturallifemagazine.com/ 6. http://www.facebook.com/PortraitsAndPaws Nora (2011-12-01 22:26:53) I love this post - thank you. I’m an extremely critical (of myself) single mom. I ALWAYS feel that I’m lacking and like you, I don’t always love being with my 5 year old daughter, which makes me feel horrible. It’s good to know that there are other people out there with the same feelings and struggles. I guess the bottom line is that we do our best and the greatest thing we have to offer (to anyone, really) is love. Thanks again... Dashaina (2011-12-15 16:23:05) Ditto Nora...truly inspiring. :) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! stiffianie (2011-12-16 08:28:20) Thank you for this article/post. It is a much needed and very much appreciated reminder for me. talkbirth (2011-11-29 22:58:08) I almost put a disclaimer/notice at the top to that effect, but then I thought it kind of spoiled it to have that be first (if people haven’t already read it) and might make people stop reading. Hope (2011-11-29 22:29:51) As I was reading I kept thinking, ”I’ve read this before!” It took me about three paragraphs to realize it was the Natural Life article, lol! Still a good read, even the second or third time though. :) 376
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Talk Birth 2011 By Molly Remer
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Contents 1 2011 9 1.1 January . . .
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Updating My Birth Quotes! (2011-05-
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Affordable Fetal Model (2011-09-22
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Chapter 1 2011 1.1 January Happy Ne
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emaining prep work to do for it too
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[1] At Montana De Oro in 2009 (wave
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[6] Second side of reversible card
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[11] [12] [13] Remember the reversi
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Barbara (2011-01-05 20:31:57) It tu
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ductions about 6 years ago! She see
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or tenderness, and wonder.” -via
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peacefulbeginnings (2011-01-11 14:4
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Molly Remer, MSW, ICCE, CCCE is a c
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julie herr (2011-01-17 22:23:59) Gr
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like this is silly or weird. I do n
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and scary and has—in the past—r
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[12] While I was at the painting, I
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peacefulbeginnings (2011-01-13 09:0
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[4] After the ceremony, I set up a
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‎”Birth is one of the most prof
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fondness instead of regret. Instead
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My Baby Girl is Here! (2011-01-23 2
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[4] My ”40 weeks” picture-due d
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We did it! | Footprints on My Heart
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[5] Side view I actually made this
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Northrup ”The intrinsic intellige
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We have discussed how each of our b
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look :) My new baby is already one
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[4] Yes, I was a geeky fangirl in t
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1. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product
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[1] Waves breaking at Montana De Or
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[1] Modeling new t-shirt :) In the
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have TONS more ideas about this top
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Birth & Breastfeeding in Unexpected
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Blessed be this gathering with the
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and following my own guidelines. SU
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1. http://talkbirth.files.wordpress
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Book Review: Times Two (2011-03-18
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[1] Aren’t they cuties? I think s
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I’m getting ready to start teachi
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[1] Trying to decide whether or not
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[4] Taken during the morning of bir
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[8] More time on the ball... [9] Pr
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[14] First nursing 1. http://talkbi
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thought maybe I should never post q
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[1] Present from my husband after m
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5. https://app.etapestry.com/cart/C
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and working to lessen the pain they
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Mary Tighe (2011-04-23 02:33:44) Wo
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[4] And now, here is my full birth
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just a really great baby. She is to
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[4] Cutie pie! 1. http://talkbirth.
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Disclosure: I received a compliment
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[1] I have to laugh at our nearly i
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of my spirituality (I semi-joke tha
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[1] Nursing my brand new baby boy!
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loved one. The five identities expl
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[2] 117
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Two of them looked like they had an
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said he’d changed his mind and th
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[2] All the reasons I’m a mother!
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[4] What’s this?! I think her big
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about her. I have noticed the same
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[2] I feel a little critical of it
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[4] 1. http://talkbirth.wordpress.c
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talkbirth (2011-05-14 14:27:36) He
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current health status of a large se
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initiation, few events that challen
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Review: A Book for Midwives (2011-0
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the birth culture in the U.S. Is th
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Book Review: Arms Wide Open: A Midw
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[2] I have to say that I have the g
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[4] close up 1. http://www.unassist
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the Advancement of Midwifery has ma
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Lead with your spirit, rise above t
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didn’t feel like I was in “birt
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• The little legs that pull up in
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1. http://www.birthingbetter.com/ 2
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title inspired by[3] Literary Mama.
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• [9]Book Review: The Father’s
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Viewing the act of breastfeeding th
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1. http://www.plusultratech.com/201
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Postpartum Feelings, Part 3 (2011-0
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[3] I know this one isn’t a pro p
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Terina (2011-06-26 21:39:08) Awesom
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I truly think this is a chronic soc
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talkbirth (2011-06-29 14:00:53) So
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New Lives is a compilation of essay
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[3] Taking a break from nursing to
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What do they say? They tell me ther
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[1] My original little story and pi
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(yes, this has happened more than o
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Karen (2011-07-15 04:48:07) I’ll
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glad to leave it behind and snuggle
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Out of respect for Native tradition
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[3] (c) Sincerely Yours Photography
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[2] She knows 1. http://pathwaystof
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Disclosure: I received a compliment
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[2] Telling you all about it... 1.
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Book Review: Ben Behind His Voices
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Rainy Wedding (2011-07-25 11:26) [1
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in brilliance more stern and starli
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[4] Self-portrait taken on his birt
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and taking pictures of the placenta
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Book Review: In Search of the Perfe
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Which means that ’natural’ moth
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[5] They both make me happy when I
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links for thought, July 2011 (2 of
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invoked to describe situations with
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After that missed call, I had a dre
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snuggly tucked inside my bra, its p
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me of my own [3]How to Meditate wit
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In the late 70’s and early 80’s
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3 fatty acids has the potential to
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A Fresh Look at Discipline (2011-08
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”I’m not a feminist, but...”
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Hillary (2011-08-14 20:50:39) Hey M
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”Let me save you some money: In a
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Take Pictures (2011-08-23 18:50) I
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and threads of your fears. Wrap you
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one came first! This morning, as I
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you really DO need another minute t
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to guage) reference points they are
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mind—clear out any cobwebs and as
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• Hands and knees on bed • Knee
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alert. It is important to take deep
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are very active and dynamic in feel
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with a new baby. Women tend to be h
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Today editorial by Jan Tritten ”C
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‎”Remember our heritage is our
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much you practice relaxation, how m
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not just hear about it.” -Mayim B
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Review & Recipe: The Artisanal Kitc
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talkbirth (2011-09-13 21:20:13) It
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Sometimes I have more ”figured ou
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”You will convince yourself that
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[4] [5] Family hug [6] Crawling 277
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**Blink!** [10] Missing teeth! [11]
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2. I love bargains. For quite a whi
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[6] If the demo pelvis had a coccyx
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during grading times—another of w
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[7] Pensive pondering [8] My baby c
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[13] Matching hats! [14] On Lann’
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[2] Zander picking stuff [3] Alaina
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she enjoyed our company so much tha
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get into graduate school and that r
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talkbirth (2011-09-30 07:56:49) I
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• Make lunch and eat. (Boys draw
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• Making small animals out of mol
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[20] Harry Potter Quidditch Match
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[26] My awesome is a little tarnish
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ut we all earn some of them, somewh
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”Pachamama is a goddess revered b
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Pinkola Estes Every woman who has g
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3. http://talkbirth.wordpress.com/2
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[7] Big girl going for a ride! Seve
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up into little capsules first, but
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Last baby-note pink cheeks and happ
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2011 - Talk Birth

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