2011 - Talk Birth

Mindful Mama: Presence and Perfectionism in Parenting (2011-11-29 16:18)
Being a mindful mama can be painful.[1]
I am acutely aware of how often I fail, mess up, and let myself down in this work of conscious
mothering. When I decide to go through a drive-through after a long day in town, I am very aware of each
preservative laden, saturated fat heavy, factory-farmed, non-fair trade bite that crosses our lips. When I’m
tired and have low energy for responsive parenting and I say “yes” my boys can watch a DVD, I know I
am using it as a “babysitter” and as a “plug-in drug.” I cringe to hear myself say at times, “you guys are
driving me crazy!” It is painful to know better and to watch myself do it anyway.
Listening to my Inner Critic
Instead of an inner guide, I too often listen to my inner critic. My judge. The perfect mama that
sits on my shoulder and lets me know how often I screw it all up. I laugh sometimes as I reference the
invisible panel of “good parents” that sits in my head judging me and finding me lacking.
For me, being a mindful mama is bound up in complicated ways with being a perfect mama; a
“good mother.” In this way, it is NOT true mindfulness—I respond to my children based on how I think
I should respond, how a “good mindful mama” would respond, not necessarily based on what is actually
happening. Too often, I respond as I believe Dr. Sears, Jon Kabat-Zinn, or Marie Winn (The Plug in Drug)
thinks I should respond, not based on reality or how we feel in the moment. This is the antithesis of true
mindfulness. Mindfulness means an awareness of what is, it does not mean a constant monitoring of how
I have failed. If I cannot be flexible and compassionate with myself, how do I expect to be a flexible and
compassionate mother?
I am harsh and relentless in my own assessment of myself. Listening to the inner clamor of how to
“be good” and “do it right,” prevents me from tuning in to what my children are really doing and really
need in the moment. It is difficult to hear my own authentic voice, the still, small voice within, amidst the
shouting in my head produced by all my reading and ideas.
This realization also forces me to acknowledge how often my mothering is about ME and not about
my children. Too often my mothering springs from a preoccupation with being a “good mother”—i.e.
making this all about me, me, ME—rather than about my children in the moment.
Meet Perfect Mama
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