2011 - Talk Birth

didn’t feel like I was in “birth brain” and wondered if that meant I still had a long time to go. Started to feel
concerned that I was still early on. This is a common feature of all of my births and is how the self-doubt
signpost manifests for me. Rather than thinking I can’t do it, I start thinking I’m two centimeters dilated.
I almost immediately returned to the bathroom feeling like I needed to poop. Serious contractions
on toilet produced more pressure with associated umphs at the end. At some point in the bathroom, I said,
“I think this is pushing.” I was feeling desperate for my water to break. It felt like it was in the way and
holding things up. I reached my hand down and thought I felt squooshy sac-ish feeling, but Mom and Mark
looked and could not see anything. And, it still didn’t break. Mom mentioned that I should probably go to
my birth nest in order to avoid having the baby on the toilet. My birth nest was a futon stack near the
bathroom door. I got down on hands and knees after feeling like I might not make it all the way to the
futons. Felt like I wanted to kneel on hard floor before reaching the nest.
Suddenly became obsessed with checking her heartbeat. I knew you’re supposed to do so during
pushing and I had stopped feeling her moving painfully with each contraction. I couldn’t find her heartbeat
and started to feel a little panicky about that as well as really uncomfortable and then threw the Doppler
to the side saying, “forget it!” because big pushing was coming. I was down on hands and knees and then
moved partially up on one hand in order to put my other hand down to feel what was happening. Could feel
squishiness and water finally broke (not much, just a small trickle before her head). I could feel her head
with my fingers and began to feel familiar sensation of front-burning. I said, “stretchy, stretchy, stretchy,
stretchy,” the phone rang, her head pushed and pushed itself down as I continued to support myself with my
hand and I moved up onto my knees, with them spread apart so I was almost sitting on my heels and her
whole body and a whole bunch of fluid blooshed out into my hands. She was pink and warm and slippery
and crying instantly—quite a lot of crying, actually. I said, “you’re alive, you’re alive! I did it! There’s
nothing wrong with me!” and I kissed her and cried and laughed and was amazed. I felt an intense feeling
of relief. Of survival. I didn’t realize until some moments later than both Mark and Mom missed the actual
moment of her birth. Mark because he was coming around from behind me to the front of me when I moved
up to kneeling. My mom because she went to stop the phone from ringing. I had felt like the pushing went
on for a “long” time, but Mark said that from hands and knees to kneeling with baby in my hands was
about 12 seconds. I don’t know. Inner experience is different than outer observation. What I do know is
that the moment of catching my own daughter in my hands and bringing her warm, fresh body up into my
arms was the most powerful and potent moment of my life.
I was covered in blood again. Caked in my fingernails and toenails and on the bottoms of my feet
again. And, I did tear again, same places.
I feel the moment of her birth was an authentic “fetal ejection reflex” including the forward movement
of my hips. The immediate postpartum went exactly as I had planned. Summer arrived approximately
20 minutes after Alaina was born. She brought me snacks, wiped blood off of me, and served me a tiny bit
of placenta (which I swallowed with no problem!). My midwife arrived approximately 40 minutes post-birth
and assessed blood loss and helped with placenta. She said I lost about 3 cups of blood, but I think all of
the fluid that came out with the baby, plus the blood from the tears, may have bumped the estimate up
too high. I did not feel weak or tired like I’d lost too much blood, I felt energetic and really good, actually.
I didn’t get faint in the bathroom either and my color stayed good throughout. “Don’t look down” (while
using the bathroom) is an excellent plan for me!
My post-birth feelings were different this time. I feel more baby-centered in my feelings about it
rather than self-empowerment centered. I also feel more critical in my own self assessment this time—like I
didn’t “perform” well or handle myself well. I hypothesize that this may be related to using a hypnosis for
birth program, because I didn’t feel “calm and comfortable” on the inside. On the outside I think I looked
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