2011 - Talk Birth

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Daddy and his two week old baby girl!
Yesterday, my husband went back to work for the first time since our new baby was born last month.
He was off for slightly under 4 weeks. I strongly encourage all of the fathers who take my classes to take
off as much time as possible after their babies are born. Many of them seem surprised by the suggestion, a
few of them seem disinterested (like, ”but isn’t that her job?”), but most of them express sadness and regret
at their workplaces’ unsupportive attitude towards (or flat-out refusal to grant) paternity leave. Many of
them are only able (or only feel able) to take the day of the birth off and perhaps one to two more days. I
meet many who will only be able to be at home with their new families if the birth straddles a weekend. I
could almost cry at the social attitudes this reflects—a complete devaluation of the father’s role, his birth
as a father, and his baby and family’s need for his presence. Fathers as well as mothers absolutely need this
time to ”cocoon” with their new babies. To absorb the magnitude of the changes in their lives, to have time
to consider the meaning of their new roles, and to re-integrate into the ”normal” rhythms of home life after
having experienced the rite of passage and labyrinth of birth.
When our first baby was born in 2003, my husband took one week off and then followed it with a week
of half days. He was crushed to leave us—describing it as feeling like we were his ”wolf pack” and he was
having to leave his pack when he really belonged with us. When our second son was born in 2006, we’d
wised up somewhat and he took off 4 weeks. It still didn’t feel like enough for any of us, but it seemed to be
viewed by his workplace/co-workers as an unusually long length of time to take off. This time he again took
4 weeks and it hasn’t felt like enough for any of us. I’m interested by how his time off seems to be viewed
by most as him needing to be home in order to ”help” me, not as a time with inherent value to him. While
I certainly do need his ”help” while postpartum, I view our relationship as a partnership and our family as
just that, our family, not as an exclusive maternal domain with occasional visits from the ”daddysitter.” No
thanks. Is spending time with his new baby, taking care of his other children, and taking care of household
tasks in the home we share, ”helping” me, or is it being a complete part of our real lives?! A part that is
completely ignored/denied by the modern workplace culture and social attitudes. Spending time with Alaina
is of value and importance to both of them, as people who will have a lifelong relationship with each other.
Also, somewhat ironically, I am the one who took no time off this time around. I teach online and I had no
leave from doing so—it was my own choice to sign a contract for this session and the online staff doesn’t even
know I was pregnant or that I had a baby. I took 5 hours off and then posted in my class again. I obviously
wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t compatible with having a newborn—it is excellently compatible—and I
prepared those around me for weeks before her birth that the only things I planned to be responsible for
for the first two months or so, were my baby and my class (and, obviously, taking care of my other kids
too—but, not even them in the early days postpartum!).
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