2011 - Talk Birth

Postpartum Feelings, Part 3 (2011-06-24 10:35)
When I published [1]my article about my postpartum feelings with my first son, I envisioned it as the first
part of a series of three posts comparing/contrasting my postpartum feelings and experiences following each
child. Here’s what happened—I wrote part two in which I shared some of the recurrent thoughts I had in
the year following my second son’s birth and decided that I just don’t feel like publishing it. Reading it back
over makes me feel like I probably could have been considered mentally ill and I don’t really feel like sharing
that right now. I started to analyze why I feel like sharing any kinds of feelings via blog anyway—really,
what is this about? Why ”expose” myself? In part, because that is what helped, and still helps, me the
most; knowing that I’m not alone in my feelings and that other women have ”been there.” So, I feel I have
a responsibility of sorts to share my own ”been theres.” When I began this website/blog, it was primarily
about gathering and sharing information with others, not about telling my own story or sharing my personal
experiences. I didn’t start it intending to have any element of a, ”personal journal published online” feeling.
After the birth-miscarriage of my third son and then my pregnancy-after-loss journey, it took on more of the
personal journal flavor. And, I’ve liked that. I’ve enjoyed sharing my feelings and experiences and learning
from the comments other people leave that I’ve ”spoken” to something in them, and/or helped someone
to understand their own experiences (or me) better. That said, I don’t have to share everything I write
just because I’ve bothered typing it and I just don’t feel like sharing my second post about weirdo, ”crazy”
postpartum thoughts right now. So there! Maybe someday I’ll hit ”publish” on it.
Of course I know (and firmly believe!), that you’re ”postpartum for the rest of your life” (Robin Lim),
but I feel like this current postpartum experience is different than my others in some qualitatively different
ways. I first credited it to having taken placenta pills this time around. My doula encapsulated my placenta
for me and I took all 95 capsules during the first 6 weeks postpartum. It was amazing! I have become a total
”convert” to the benefits of placenta encapsulation. I felt GREAT and I had tons and tons of energy, instead
of being wiped out and weak and exhausted feeling. I’ve only taken about two naps in Alaina’s life (this
may come back to bite me with regard to lactational amenorrhea , we’ll see...) and that ISN’T because I’m
crazy and was pushing myself too hard, it is because I haven’t felt like I needed to take any naps. I highly
recommend placenta encapsulation. Amazingly powerful!
Another thing that is different about this experience is that I don’t feel ”restricted” after having her—I
don’t feel like I’ve had to sacrifice or let anything go, I feel like she has integrated smoothly into our lives.
I had a phone counseling session with an intuitive healer the afternoon before Alaina was born and one of
the new ”neural pathways” I set was, ”the new baby seamlessly integrates into our lives.” I think it worked!
:) What is interesting, is that I have put quite a lot on hold lately, but it doesn’t feel like she MADE me, it
feels like what I want to do (or not do, as the case may be). When my first son was born, I had to let go of
most of my old life and work and it was very painful. With my second son. I felt like I had a lot of energy to
give to the ”world” that was being blocked/couldn’t find expression. This time, there is more balance. I’m
continuing to teach college classes in-seat and online and that feels really good to me. I’m homeschooling the
boys and doing well with that (we actually ”do school” almost every day!). I read all of the time (55 books
so far this year!). I’ve started a doctoral program. And, I make time for a variety of other smallish projects
like facilitating quarterly women’s retreats, editing the FoMM newsletter, and answering breastfeeding help
calls/emails. Oh, and making birth art sculptures (new pictures to follow soon!) And, here’s what I’m not
doing: writing new articles, working on my books (I have three in progress), doing much birth work, staying
caught up on articles/news/research, teaching prenatal yoga or prenatal fitness classes or leading birth art
sessions (all of which I trained to do last year), creating (or teaching) any new craft classes for our annual
craft camp, writing the dozens of blog posts that come to mind (or even pulling old material into this blog
the way I’d like to do), staying caught up with book reviews, keeping up with the garden, etc., etc. More
about balancing mothering and personing will follow someday. I promise!
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