2011 - Talk Birth

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December, 2007
By Molly Remer, MSW, ICCE, CCCE
Originally published in The Journal of Attachment Parenting, 2008.
When my first baby was born in 2003, I had a made a classic new mother error—I spent a lot of
time preparing for the birth, but not much time truly preparing for life with a new baby.
I had regularly attended La Leche League (LLL) meetings since halfway through my pregnancy and
thought I was prepared for “nursing all the time” and having my life focus around my baby’s needs.
However, the actual experience of postpartum slapped me in the face and brought me to my knees.
My son’s birth was a joyous, empowering, triumphant experience, but postpartum was one of the
most challenging and painful times in my life. I had not given myself permission to rest, heal, and discover.
Instead, I felt intense internal pressure to “perform.” I wondered where my old life had gone and I no longer
felt like a “real person.” A painful postpartum infection and a difficult healing process with a tear in an
unusual location, left me feeling like an invalid—I had imagined caring for my new baby with my normal
(high) energy level, not feeling wounded, weak, and depleted. And yet, at five days postpartum I was at
the grocery store, at seven days at the post office resuming shipments for my small online business, at two
weeks attending meetings and fulfilling responsibilities with an organization (though I still had difficulty
walking normally due to pain), at six weeks hostessing at a fundraising ball, and at eight weeks teaching a
volunteer training workshop. In retrospect, I have no regrets about how I cared for my baby. He was always
with me and I was sensitive to and responsive to his needs. What I regret is how I cared for myself, what I
expected from myself, the demands I placed upon myself, and how I treated myself.
I actually slightly delayed having a second child, not for fear of mothering two, but for fear of experiencing
the overwhelm of postpartum again.
In 2006, I gave birth to my second son at home. This time I had planned realistically and specifically
for a “babymoon.” My husband took four weeks off of work and I stayed at home for the majority of
the first month of life with my new baby. Though I again experienced an unfortunate tear and a painful
recovery from it (which was still much quicker and less traumatic than the first time) and also some rapidly
shifting mood changes along with some tears and anxiety, I look back on this time with my second son with
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