My Battle with Merkel Cell Cancer

Cicero says of the Sword of Damocles, "Does not Dionysius seem to have made it
sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear
always looms?"
In the days following dad's diagnosis, we understood Merkel Cell Carcinoma to be so
deadly and aggressive that it seemed a Sword of Damocles, destruction a hair's breadth
away. I struggled to accept that there was nothing to be done, but that was not in my
nature. I found the MCC Google Group. George, and soon others in the group, reached
out. Dr. Nghiem got involved. We soon realized that the sword may be hanging, but by
something far more robust than a hair. Indeed, it was by no means certain that the sword
could not be removed. Nearly two years later, the rope holding the sword may be fraying,
but dad and the family have enjoyed birthdays, vacations, and good times even in the
shadow of the threat.
Unfortunately, the chilling effect of the threat is settling in. I can't imagine what passes
through dad's mind, but I know pain keeps him awake many nights. I doubt even he
knows whether it is physical pain or emotional pain that is behind the insomnia. He does
not feel up to having visitors, updating this blog, or engaging in anything that requires
extended concentration. His cognition seems fine, but the weight of his circumstances
surely makes concentration a hard task.
My oldest daughter, Eva, has visited him a few times. He spent a few minutes with 4 year
old Sara yesterday. Sara said "I wish you could feel better."
The question is whether dad can feel better. Physically, it seems on balance that he does
feel better. There is new pain on the left side under the lung (pleural pain), but it is
somewhat less than the now-discontinued posterior mediastinal pain was. Dad is still
using a walker for infrequent walks, but he is now sitting in a chair regularly, which wasn't
happening last week. Dad is engaging in discussions more frequently, but he is becoming
short of breath more quickly than before. His voice has been raspy and almost godfatherlike
since his stent replacement surgery. Dad is refusing most food and water by mouth,
but he getting nutrition via a PEG tube.
Physical improvement aside, the sword still hangs, and the chill it casts has become quite
strong. Other than those who die young and suddenly, the Sword of Damocles will one
day hang over each of us. That dad has enjoyed nearly every day since his diagnosis is a
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