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Subject: docdave back at hospital<br />
To: [ mcc google group ]<br />
http://docshu-mybattle<strong>with</strong>merkelcellcancer.blogspot.com/2012/04/followingambulance.html<br />
New update, dad is back in the hospital. **<br />
We immediately started getting supportive messages back from the MCC group. At<br />
moments like this, every message of support is worth ten messages of support during<br />
more stable times. They were all read and appreciated.<br />
<strong>My</strong> mom was shaky and hungry, and was worried about taking the time to go to the<br />
cafeteria. I remembered from the prior hospitalization (you don't want to do this enough to<br />
know how to work the system like this) that nurses will bring family a plain but sufficient<br />
sandwich if you ask nicely. I tracked down a nurse and my mom was spared the anxiety<br />
of being away from dad (and he was spared the anxiety of being away from her). She did<br />
need to go to the restroom, though, and I took that opportunity to tell my dad that<br />
whatever happened, he had good sons and we would make sure mom got all the support<br />
and looking after that she needed. He visibly relaxed. He knew it, of course, but it is<br />
important to say it, particularly when somebody is experiencing poor concentration or<br />
high pain.<br />
Another thing that happens in these situations is that you seek a tiny bit of normal in the<br />
day. Perhaps it keeps you moored. I emailed the local camera shop and asked what kind<br />
of lenses they rent. I know, the very strangest thing you might imagine doing. But dad<br />
had his eyes closed, mom was deep in thought, and I needed to remind myself that life<br />
would go on regardless of the outcome. You will be tempted to feel guilt over such<br />
moments. Don't. I took a few such moments, and they gave me the strength to be well<br />
moored when the time came for the really hard stuff.<br />
At some point that day, the Votrient we had ordered via next day delivery was to be<br />
delivered to his home. His final post was made just days before he died: “it looks like<br />
Topotican did me no good…. I have had respiratory difficulties … [and when I] attempted<br />
to go upstairs for a shower … that was a failure as I had [an] asthma-like attack. It looks<br />
like I have a choice of waiting to die or going on Votrient … I somehow doubt my<br />
insurance will pay and I think it will cost a lot of money…. This seems to be the last arrow<br />
in my quiver.” He wasn't home to sign for that first shipment of Votrient because he was<br />
in the hospital, dying. Dad was a realist, but a fighter -- he was ordering ammunition to<br />
use against the cancer the day before he succumbed to it.<br />
We were still waiting for the x-ray at 11:46. We were getting impatient, but they wanted to<br />
stabilize his heart first. First things first, I guess. I'm not a doctor, but it didn't seem to<br />
surprise my dad, who was a doctor.<br />
I realized I hadn't been keeping my ex-wife (and oldest daughter's mom) up to date. I<br />
emailed her along <strong>with</strong> my brothers:<br />
** Email: Date: Wed, 18 Apr 2012 11:46:50 -0700<br />
Subject: FYI<br />
<strong>My</strong> <strong>Battle</strong> <strong>with</strong> <strong>Merkel</strong> <strong>Cell</strong> <strong>Cancer</strong><br />
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