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been completely crazy, so I guessed I had been distracted. But it all made
sense now.
“I would have talked to you eventually. I would have managed either
way.”
“That doesn’t matter now, baby,” I told him, meaning every word.
He sighed deeply. “So, I came all the way to Seattle, but I couldn’t bring
myself to talk to him. To admit to myself, to show him that I still cared when
he had pushed me away all those years ago. When he was the father I had
already lost.”
My fingers drew circles on his chest, right above his heart. “What
changed then?”
“Everything did.” He exhaled, and it came out shaky and pained. “I … I
somehow thought I had you, and then just as quickly, I didn’t. And as much
as I was set on not letting you quit on me, I saw it in your eyes. You had
really given up on us. You believed in your decision.”
A shadow came over his face, and I instinctively leaned to place a kiss to
the corner of his lips, dissipating that temporary darkness.
“The possibility that I could really lose you started solidifying in my
head. And I just …” He shook his head. “God, it’s not the same, I know. But
I finally got it. I understood how hard it’d hit him, losing Mom. How lost he
must have been at the reality of not having a way to get her back. How many
reckless decisions he must have taken. It did not justify that he pushed me
away, but I am to blame too. I had been so lost in my own head that I let him
do that. And then I allowed both of us to keep it on for years.”
“Neither of you is at fault, Aaron. We are not programmed to lose those
we love; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.” My hand trailed up his
chest, my palm settling against his collarbone. “We just try our best, even
when, often, our best is not good enough. Blaming yourself now is not going
to change the past; it’s only going to take away energy that you should be
spending in the present. And look where you are now; you are here. It’s not
too late.”
He brushed a kiss over my head. “That day, when everything with Gerald
went down, I got a call from the hospital. They told me that things didn’t look
well for him. Apparently, my dad had asked for me. Several times.
Demanded that I had to be contacted.” His voice trailed off, and I let my
fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck. Letting him know I was
here. Listening. Having his back. “It’s like everything lined up, and suddenly,