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“Catch-22” <strong>By</strong> <strong>Joseph</strong> Heller 105<br />
tried miserably to recall some means of extricating them both from their devastating<br />
embarrassment. He recalled instead that the chaplain was only a captain, and he<br />
straightened at once with a shocked and outraged gasp. His cheeks grew tight with fury<br />
at the thought that he had just been duped into humiliation by a man who was almost<br />
the same age as he was and still only a captain, and he swung upon the chaplain<br />
avengingly with a look of such murderous antagonism that the chaplain began to<br />
tremble. The colonel punished him sadistically with a long, glowering, malignant, hateful,<br />
silent stare.<br />
‘We were speaking about something else,’ he reminded the chaplain cuttingly at last.<br />
‘We were not speaking about the firm, ripe breasts of beautiful young girls but about<br />
something else entirely. We were speaking about conducting religious services in the<br />
briefing room before each mission. Is there any reason why we can’t?’<br />
‘No, sir,’ the chaplain mumbled.<br />
‘Then we’ll begin with this afternoon’s mission.’ The colonel’s hostility softened<br />
gradually as he applied himself to details. ‘Now, I want you to give a lot of thought to the<br />
kind of prayers we’re going to say. I don’t want anything heavy or sad. I’d like you to<br />
keep it light and snappy, something that will send the boys out feeling pretty good. Do<br />
you know what I mean? I don’t want any of this Kingdom of God or Valley of Death stuff.<br />
That’s all too negative. What are you making such a sour face for?’<br />
‘I’m sorry, sir,’ the chaplain stammered. ‘I happened to be thinking of the Twenty-third<br />
Psalm just as you said that.’<br />
‘How does that one go?’<br />
‘That’s the one you were just referring to, sir. "The Lord is my shepherd; I —" ‘<br />
‘That’s the one I was just referring to. It’s out. What else have you got?’<br />
‘ "Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto &mash;" ‘<br />
‘No waters,’ the colonel decided, blowing ruggedly into his cigarette holder after<br />
flipping the butt down into his combed-brass ash tray. ‘Why don’t we try something<br />
musical? How about the harps on the willows?’<br />
‘That has the rivers of Babylon in it, sir,’ the chaplain replied. ‘ "…there we sat down,<br />
yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion." ‘<br />
‘ Zion? Let’s forget about that one right now. I’d like to know how that one even got in<br />
there. Haven’t you got anything humorous that stays away from waters and valleys and<br />
God? I’d like to keep away from the subject of religion altogether if we can.’ The<br />
chaplain was apologetic. ‘I’m sorry, sir, but just about all the prayers I know are rather<br />
somber in tone and make at least some passing reference to God.’<br />
‘Then let’s get some new ones. The men are already doing enough bitching about the<br />
missions I send them on without our rubbing it in with any sermons about God or death<br />
or Paradise. Why can’t we take a more positive approach? Why can’t we all pray for<br />
something good, like a tighter bomb pattern, for example? Couldn’t we pray for a tighter<br />
bomb pattern?’<br />
‘Well, yes, sir, I suppose so,’ the chaplain answered hesitantly. ‘You wouldn’t even<br />
need me if that’s all you wanted to do. You could do that yourself.’<br />
‘I know I could,’ the colonel responded tartly. ‘But what do you think you’re here for? I<br />
could shop for my own food, too, but that’s Milo’s job, and that’s why he’s doing it for<br />
every group in the area. Your job is to lead us in prayer, and from now on you’re going<br />
to lead us in a prayer for a tighter bomb pattern before every mission. Is that clear? I<br />
think a tighter bomb pattern is something really worth praying for. It will be a feather in<br />
all our caps with General Peckem. General Peckem feels it makes a much nicer aerial<br />
photograph when the bombs explode close together.’<br />
‘General Peckem, sir?’<br />
‘That’s right, Chaplain,’ the colonel replied, chuckling paternally at the chaplain’s look<br />
of puzzlement. ‘I wouldn’t want this to get around, but it looks like General Dreedle is<br />
finally on the way out and that General Peckem is slated to replace him. Frankly, I’m not<br />
going to be sorry to see that happen. General Peckem is a very good man, and I think<br />
we’ll all be much better off under him. On the other hand, it might never take place, and