“Catch-22” By Joseph - Khamkoo

“Catch-22” By Joseph Heller 95
necessary. Aneurisms, for instance; how else could they ever defend him in time against
an aneurism of the aorta? Yossarian felt much safer inside the hospital than outside the
hospital, even though he loathed the surgeon and his knife as much as he had ever
loathed anyone. He could start screaming inside a hospital and people would at least
come running to try to help; outside the hospital they would throw him in prison if he
ever started screaming about all the things he felt everyone ought to start screaming
about, or they would put him in the hospital. One of the things he wanted to start
screaming about was the surgeon’s knife that was almost certain to be waiting for him
and everyone else who lived long enough to die. He wondered often how he would ever
recognize the first chill, flush, twinge, ache, belch, sneeze, stain, lethargy, vocal slip,
loss of balance or lapse of memory that would signal the inevitable beginning of the
inevitable end.
He was afraid also that Doc Daneeka would still refuse to help him when he went to
him again after jumping out of Major Major’s office, and he was right.
‘You think you’ve got something to be afraid about?’ Doc Daneeka demanded, lifting
his delicate immaculate dark head up from his chest to gaze at Yossarian irascibly for a
moment with lachrymose eyes. ‘What about me? My precious medical skills are rusting
away here on this lousy island while other doctors are cleaning up. Do you think I enjoy
sitting here day after day refusing to help you? I wouldn’t mind it so much if I could
refuse to help you back in the States or in some place like Rome. But saying no to you
here isn’t easy for me, either.’
‘Then stop saying no. Ground me.’
‘I can’t ground you,’ Doc Daneeka mumbled. ‘How many times do you have to be
told?’
‘Yes you can. Major Major told me you’re the only one in the squadron who can
ground me.’ Doc Daneeka was stunned. ‘Major Major told you that? When?’
‘When I tackled him in the ditch.’
‘Major Major told you that? In a ditch?’
‘He told me in his office after we left the ditch and jumped inside. He told me not to tell
anyone he told me, so don’t start shooting your mouth off.’
‘Why that dirty, scheming liar!’ Doc Daneeka cried. ‘He wasn’t supposed to tell
anyone. Did he tell you how I could ground you?’
‘Just by filling out a little slip of paper saying I’m on the verge of a nervous collapse
and sending it to Group. Dr. Stubbs grounds men in his squadron all the time, so why
can’t you?’
‘And what happens to the men after Stubbs does ground them?’ Doc Daneeka
retorted with a sneer. ‘They go right back on combat status, don’t they? And he finds
himself right up the creek. Sure, I can ground you by filling out a slip saying you’re unfit
to fly. But there’s a catch.’
‘Catch-22?’
‘Sure. If I take you off combat duty, Group has to approve my action, and Group isn’t
going to. They’ll put you right back on combat status, and then where will I be? On my
way to the Pacific Ocean, probably. No, thank you. I’m not going to take any chances for
you.’
‘Isn’t it worth a try?’ Yossarian argued. ‘What’s so hot about Pianosa?’
‘Pianosa is terrible. But it’s better than the Pacific Ocean. I wouldn’t mind being
shipped someplace civilized where I might pick up a buck or two in abortion money
every now and then. But all they’ve got in the Pacific is jungles and monsoons, I’d rot
there.’
‘You’re rotting here.’ Doc Daneeka flared up angrily. ‘Yeah? Well, at least I’m going to
come out of this war alive, which is a lot more than you’re going to do.’
‘That’s just what I’m trying to tell you, goddammit. I’m asking you to save my life.’
‘It’s not my business to save lives,’ Doc Daneeka retorted sullenly.
‘What is your business?’
‘I don’t know what my business is. All they ever told me was to uphold the ethics of my