“Catch-22” By Joseph - Khamkoo

“Catch-22” By Joseph Heller 179
‘Because Scheisskopf has experience with parades, and you haven’t. You can call off
U.S.O. shows if you want to. In fact why don’t you? Just think of all the places that won’t
be getting a U.S.O. show on any given day. Think of all the places each big-name
entertainer won’t be visiting. Yes, Cargill, I think you’ve hit on something. I think you’ve
just thrown open a whole new area of operation for us. Tell Colonel Scheisskopf I want
him to work along under your supervision on this. And send him in to see me when
you’re through giving him instructions.’
‘Colonel Cargill says you told him you want me to work along under his supervision on
the U.S.O. project,’ Colonel Scheisskopf complained.
‘I told him no such thing,’ answered General Peckem. ‘Confidentially, Scheisskopf, I’m
not too happy with Colonel Cargill. He’s bossy and he’s slow. I’d like you to keep a close
eye on what he’s doing and see if you can’t get a little more work out of him.’
‘He keeps butting in,’ Colonel Cargill protested. ‘He won’t let me get any work done.’
‘There’s something very funny about Scheisskopf,’ General Peckem agreed
reflectively. ‘Keep a very close eye on him and see if you can’t find out what he’s up to.’
‘Now he’s butting into my business!’ Colonel Scheisskopf cried.
‘Don’t let it worry you, Scheisskopf,’ said General Peckem, congratulating himself on
how adeptly he had fit Colonel Scheisskopf into his standard method of operation.
Already his two colonels were barely on speaking terms. ‘Colonel Cargill envies you
because of the splendid job you’re doing on parades. He’s afraid I’m going to put you in
charge of bomb patterns.’ Colonel Scheisskopf was all ears. ‘What are bomb patterns?’
‘Bomb patterns?’ General Peckem repeated, twinkling with self-satisfied good humor.
‘A bomb pattern is a term I dreamed up just several weeks ago. It means nothing, but
you’d be surprised at how rapidly it’s caught on. Why, I’ve got all sorts of people
convinced I think it’s important for the bombs to explode close together and make a neat
aerial photograph. There’s one colonel in Pianosa who’s hardly concerned any more
with whether he hits the target or not. Let’s fly over and have some fun with him today. It
will make Colonel Cargill jealous, and I learned from Wintergreen this morning that
General Dreedle will be off in Sardinia. It drives General Dreedle insane to find out I’ve
been inspecting one of his installations while he’s been off inspecting another. We may
even get there in time for the briefing. They’ll be bombing a tiny undefended village,
reducing the whole community to rubble. I have it from Wintergreen—Wintergreen’s an
ex-sergeant now, by the way—that the mission is entirely unnecessary. Its only purpose
is to delay German reinforcements at a time when we aren’t even planning an offensive.
But that’s the way things go when you elevate mediocre people to positions of authority.’
He gestured languidly toward his gigantic map of Italy. ‘Why, this tiny mountain village is
so insignificant that it isn’t even there.’ They arrived at Colonel Cathcart’s group too late
to attend the preliminary briefing and hear Major Danby insist, ‘But it is there, I tell you.
It’s there, it’s there.’
‘It’s where?’ Dunbar demanded defiantly, pretending not to see.
‘It’s right there on the map where this road makes this slight turn. Can’t you see this
slight turn on your map?’
‘No, I can’t see it.’
‘I can see it,’ volunteered Havermeyer, and marked the spot on Dunbar’s map. ‘And
here’s a good picture of the village right on these photographs. I understand the whole
thing. The purpose of the mission is to knock the whole village sliding down the side of
the mountain and create a roadblock that the Germans will have to clear. Is that right?’
‘That’s right,’ said Major Danby, mopping his perspiring forehead with his
handkerchief. ‘I’m glad somebody here is beginning to understand. These two armored
divisions will be coming down from Austria into Italy along this road. The village is built
on such a steep incline that all the rubble from the houses and other buildings you
destroy will certainly tumble right down and pile upon the road.’
‘What the hell difference will it make?’ Dunbar wanted to know, as Yossarian watched
him excitedly with a mixture of awe and adulation. ‘It will only take them a couple of days
to clear it.’ Major Danby was trying to avoid an argument. ‘Well, it apparently makes