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“Catch-22” <strong>By</strong> <strong>Joseph</strong> Heller 151<br />
cheeks burning with disgrace. He heard loud, wild peals of derisive laughter crashing all<br />
about him and caught blurred glimpses of wicked, beery faces smirking far back inside<br />
the bushes and high overhead in the foliage of the trees. Spasms of scorching pains<br />
stabbed through his lungs and slowed him to a crippled walk. He lunged and staggered<br />
onward until he could go no farther and collapsed all at once against a gnarled apple<br />
tree, banging his head hard against the trunk as he toppled forward and holding on with<br />
both arms to keep from falling. His breathing was a rasping, moaning din in his ears.<br />
Minutes passed like hours before he finally recognized himself as the source of the<br />
turbulent roar that was overwhelming him. The pains in his chest abated. Soon he felt<br />
strong enough to stand. He cocked his ears craftily. The forest was quiet. There was no<br />
demonic laughter, no one was chasing him. He was too tired and sad and dirty to feel<br />
relieved. He straightened his disheveled clothing with fingers that were numb and<br />
shaking and walked the rest of the way to the clearing with rigid self-control. The<br />
chaplain brooded often about the danger of heart attack.<br />
Corporal Whitcomb’s jeep was still parked in the clearing. The chaplain tiptoed<br />
stealthily around the back of Corporal Whitcomb’s tent rather than pass the entrance<br />
and risk being seen and insulted by him. Heaving a grateful sigh, he slipped quickly<br />
inside his own tent and found Corporal Whitcomb ensconced on his cot, his knees<br />
propped up. Corporal Whitcomb’s mud-caked shoes were on the chaplain’s blanket, and<br />
he was eating one of the chaplain’s candy bars as he thumbed with sneering expression<br />
through one of the chaplain’s Bibles.<br />
‘Where’ve you been?’ he demanded rudely and disinterestedly, without looking up.<br />
The chaplain colored and turned away evasively. ‘I went for a walk through the<br />
woods.’<br />
‘All right,’ Corporal Whitcomb snapped. ‘Don’t take me into your confidence. But just<br />
wait and see what happens to my morale.’ He bit into the chaplain’s candy bar hungrily<br />
and continued with a full mouth. ‘You had a visitor while you were gone. Major Major.’<br />
The chaplain spun around with surprise and cried: ‘Major Major? Major Major was<br />
here?’<br />
‘That’s who we’re talking about, isn’t it?’<br />
‘Where did he go?’<br />
‘He jumped down into that railroad ditch and took off like a frightened rabbit.’ Corporal<br />
Whitcomb snickered. ‘What a jerk!’<br />
‘Did he say what he wanted?’<br />
‘He said he needed your help in a matter of great importance.’ The chaplain was<br />
astounded. ‘Major Major said that?’<br />
‘He didn’t say that,’ Corporal Whitcomb corrected with withering precision. ‘He wrote it<br />
down in a sealed personal letter he left on your desk.’ The chaplain glanced at the<br />
bridge table that served as his desk and saw only the abominable orange-red pearshaped<br />
plum tomato he had obtained that same morning from Colonel Cathcart, still<br />
lying on its side where he had forgotten it like an indestructible and incamadine symbol<br />
of his own ineptitude. ‘Where is the letter?’<br />
‘I threw it away as soon as I tore it open and read it.’ Corporal Whitcomb slammed the<br />
Bible shut and jumped up. ‘What’s the matter? Won’t you take my word for it?’ He<br />
walked out. He walked right back in and almost collided with the chaplain, who was<br />
rushing out behind him on his way back to Major Major. ‘You don’t know how to<br />
delegate responsibility,’ Corporal Whitcomb informed him sullenly. ‘That’s another one<br />
of the things that’s wrong with you.’ The chaplain nodded penitently and hurried past,<br />
unable to make himself take the time to apologize. He could feel the skillful hand of fate<br />
motivating him imperatively. Twice that day already, he realized now, Major Major had<br />
come racing toward him inside the ditch; and twice that day the chaplain had stupidly<br />
postponed the destined meeting by bolting into the forest. He seethed with selfrecrimination<br />
as he hastened back as rapidly as he could stride along the splintered,<br />
irregularly spaced railroad ties. Bits of grit and gravel inside his shoes and socks were<br />
grinding the tops of his toes raw. His pale, laboring face was screwed up unconsciously