“Catch-22” By Joseph - Khamkoo

“Catch-22” By Joseph Heller 52
a man who’s getting his hands on communications addressed to you. Have you any
idea who it can be?’
‘No.’
‘Well, I have a pretty good idea,’ said the second C.I.D. man, and leaned forward to
whisper confidentially. ‘That bastard Towser. Why else would he go around shooting his
mouth off about me? Now, you keep your eyes open and let me know the minute you
hear anyone even talking about Washington Irving. I’ll throw a security check on the
chaplain and everyone else around here.’ The moment he was gone, the first C.I.D. man
jumped into Major Major’s office through the window and wanted to know who the
second C.I.D. man was. Major Major barely recognized him.
‘He was a C.I.D. man,’ Major Major told him.
‘Like hell he was,’ said the first C.I.D. man. ‘I’m the C.I.D. man around here.’ Major
Major barely recognized him because he was wearing a faded maroon corduroy
bathrobe with open seams under both arms, linty flannel pajamas, and worn house
slippers with one flapping sole. This was regulation hospital dress, Major Major recalled.
The man had added about twenty pounds and seemed bursting with good health.
‘I’m really a very sick man,’ he whined. ‘I caught cold in the hospital from a fighter pilot
and came down with a very serious case of pneumonia.’
‘I’m very sorry,’ Major Major said.
‘A lot of good that does me,’ the C.I.D. man sniveled. ‘I don’t want your sympathy. I
just want you to know what I’m going through. I came down to warn you that
Washington Irving seems to have shifted his base of operations from the hospital to your
squadron. You haven’t heard anyone around here talking about Washington Irving, have
you?’
‘As a matter of fact, I have,’ Major Major answered. ‘That man who was just in here.
He was talking about Washington Irving.’
‘Was he really?’ the first C.I.D. man cried with delight. ‘This might be just what we
needed to crack the case wide open! You keep him under surveillance twenty-four hours
a day while I rush back to the hospital and write my superiors for further instructions.’
The C.I.D. man jumped out of Major Major’s office through the window and was gone.
A minute later, the flap separating Major Major’s office from the orderly room flew
open and the second C.I.D. man was back, puffing frantically in haste. Gasping for
breath, he shouted, ‘I just saw a man in red pajamas jumping out of your window and go
running up the road! Didn’t you see him?’
‘He was here talking to me,’ Major Major answered.
‘I thought that looked mighty suspicious, a man jumping out the window in red
pajamas.’ The man paced about the small office in vigorous circles. ‘At first I thought it
was you, hightailing it for Mexico. But now I see it wasn’t you. He didn’t say anything
about Washington Irving, did he?’
‘As a matter of fact,’ said Major Major, ‘he did.’
‘He did?’ cried the second C.I.D. man. ‘That’s fine! This might be just the break we
needed to crack the case wide open. Do you know where we can find him?’
‘At the hospital. He’s really a very sick man.’
‘That’s great!’ exclaimed the second C.I.D. man. ‘I’ll go right up there after him. It
would be best if I went incognito. I’ll go explain the situation at the medical tent and have
them send me there as a patient.’
‘They won’t send me to the hospital as a patient unless I’m sick,’ he reported back to
Major Major. ‘Actually, I am pretty sick. I’ve been meaning to turn myself in for a
checkup, and this will be a good opportunity. I’ll go back to the medical tent and tell
them I’m sick, and I’ll get sent to the hospital that way.’
‘Look what they did to me,’ he reported back to Major Major with purple gums. His
distress was inconsolable. He carried his shoes and socks in his hands, and his toes
had been painted with gentian-violet solution, too. ‘Who ever heard of a C.I.D. man with
purple gums?’ he moaned.
He walked away from the orderly room with his head down and tumbled into a slit