“Catch-22” By Joseph - Khamkoo

“Catch-22” By Joseph Heller 181
under the chin jovially, ignoring him, and then addressed himself to Dunbar and
Yossarian in a dry monotone. ‘You’ve got my sacred word for it. Nobody is more
distressed about those lousy wops up in the hills than Colonel Cathcart and myself.
Mais c’est la guerre. Try to remember that we didn’t start the war and Italy did. That we
weren’t the aggressors and Italy was. And that we couldn’t possibly inflict as much
cruelty on the Italians, Germans, Russians and Chinese as they’re already inflicting on
themselves.’ Colonel Korn gave Major Danby’s shoulder a friendly squeeze without
changing his unfriendly expression. ‘Carry on with the briefing, Danby. And make sure
they understand the importance of a tight bomb pattern.’
‘Oh, no, Colonel,’ Major Danby blurted out, blinking upward. ‘Not for this target. I’ve
told them to space their bombs sixty feet apart so that we’ll have a roadblock the full
length of the village instead of in just one spot. It will be a much more effective
roadblock with a loose bomb pattern.’
‘We don’t care about the roadblock,’ Colonel Korn informed him. ‘Colonel Cathcart
wants to come out of this mission with a good clean aerial photograph he won’t be
ashamed to send through channels. Don’t forget that General Peckem will be here for
the full briefing, and you know how he feels about bomb patterns. Incidentally, Major,
you’d better hurry up with these details and clear out before he gets here. General
Peckem can’t stand you.’
‘Oh, no, Colonel,’ Major Danby corrected obligingly. ‘It’s General Dreedle who can’t
stand me.’
‘General Peckem can’t stand you either. In fact, no one can stand you. Finish what
you’re doing, Danby, and disappear. I’ll conduct the briefing.’
‘Where’s Major Danby?’ Colonel Cathcart inquired, after he had driven up for the full
briefing with General Peckem and Colonel Scheisskopf.
‘He asked permission to leave as soon as he saw you driving up,’ answered Colonel
Korn. ‘He’s afraid General Peckem doesn’t like him. I was going to conduct the briefing
anyway. I do a much better job.’
‘Splendid!’ said Colonel Cathcart. ‘No!’ Colonel Cathcart countermanded himself an
instant later when he remembered how good a job Colonel Korn had done before
General Dreedle at the first Avignon briefing. ‘I’ll do it myself.’ Colonel Cathcart braced
himself with the knowledge that he was one of General Peckem’s favorites and took
charge of the meeting, snapping his words out crisply to the attentive audience of
subordinate officers with the bluff and dispassionate toughness he had picked up from
General Dreedle. He knew he cut a fine figure there on the platform with his open shirt
collar, his cigarette holder, and his close-cropped, gray-tipped curly black hair. He
breezed along beautifully, even emulating certain characteristic mispronunciations of
General Dreedle’s, and he was not the least bit intimidated by General Peckem’s new
colonel until he suddenly recalled that General Peckem detested General Dreedle. Then
his voice cracked, and all confidence left him. He stumbled ahead through instinct in
burning humiliation. He was suddenly in terror of Colonel Scheisskopf. Another colonel
in the area meant another rival, another enemy, another person who hated him. And this
one was tough! A horrifying thought occurred to Colonel Cathcart: Suppose Colonel
Scheisskopf had already bribed all the men in the room to begin moaning, as they had
done at the first Avignon mission. How could he silence them? What a terrible black eye
that would be! Colonel Cathcart was seized with such fright that he almost beckoned to
Colonel Korn. Somehow he held himself together and synchronized the watches. When
he had done that, he knew he had won, for he could end now at any time. He had come
through in a crisis. He wanted to laugh in Colonel Scheisskopf’s face with triumph and
spite. He had proved himself brilliantly under pressure, and he concluded the briefing
with an inspiring peroration that every instinct told him was a masterful exhibition of
eloquent tact and subtlety.
‘Now, men,’ he exhorted. ‘We have with us today a very distinguished guest, General
Peckem from Special Services, the man who gives us all our softball bats, comic books
and U.S.O. shows. I want to dedicate this mission to him. Go on out there and bomb—