“Catch-22” By Joseph - Khamkoo

“Catch-22” By Joseph Heller 235
your deep and abiding loyalty to your outfit and your consummate dedication to duty.
Those phrases are all actual quotations, by the way. We’re going to glorify you and send
you home a hero, recalled by the Pentagon for morale and public-relations purposes.
You’ll live like a millionaire. Everyone will lionize you. You’ll have parades in your honor
and make speeches to raise money for war bonds. A whole new world of luxury awaits
you once you become our pal. Isn’t it lovely?’ Yossarian found himself listening intently
to the fascinating elucidation of details. ‘I’m not sure I want to make speeches.’
‘Then we’ll forget the speeches. The important thing is what you say to people here.’
Colonel Korn leaned forward earnestly, no longer smiling. ‘We don’t want any of the
men in the group to know that we’re sending you home as a result of your refusal to fly
more missions. And we don’t want General Peckem or General Scheisskopf to get wind
of any friction between us, either. That’s why we’re going to become such good pals.’
‘What will I say to the men who asked me why I refused to fly more missions?’
‘Tell them you had been informed in confidence that you were being returned to the
States and that you were unwilling to risk your life for another mission or two. Just a
minor disagreement between pals, that’s all.’
‘Will they believe it?’
‘Of course they’ll believe it, once they see what great friends we’ve become and when
they see the press releases and read the flattering things you have to say about me and
Colonel Cathcart. Don’t worry about the men. They’ll be easy enough to discipline and
control when you’ve gone. It’s only while you’re still here that they may prove
troublesome. You know, one good apple can spoil the rest,’ Colonel Korn concluded
with conscious irony. ‘You know—this would really be wonderful—you might even serve
as an inspiration to them to fly more missions.’
‘Suppose I denounce you when I get back to the States?’
‘After you’ve accepted our medal and promotion and all the fanfare? No one would
believe you, the Army wouldn’t let you, and why in the world should you want to? You’re
going to be one of the boys, remember? You’ll enjoy a rich, rewarding, luxurious,
privileged existence. You’d have to be a fool to throw it all away just for a moral
principle, and you’re not a fool. Is it a deal?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It’s that or a court-martial.’
‘That’s a pretty scummy trick I’d be playing on the men in the squadron, isn’t it?’
‘Odious,’ Colonel Korn agreed amiably, and waited, watching Yossarian patiently with
a glimmer of private delight.
‘But what the hell!’ Yossarian exclaimed. ‘If they don’t want to fly more missions, let
them stand up and do something about it the way I did. Right?’
‘Of course,’ said Colonel Korn.
‘There’s no reason I have to risk my life for them, is there?’
‘Of course not.’ Yossarian arrived at his decision with a swift grin. ‘It’s a deal!’ he
announced jubilantly.
‘Great,’ said Colonel Korn with somewhat less cordiality than Yossarian had expected,
and he slid himself off Colonel Cathcart’s desk to stand on the floor. He tugged the folds
of cloth of his pants and undershorts free from his crotch and gave Yossarian a limp
hand to shake. ‘Welcome aboard.’
‘Thanks, Colonel. I—’
‘Call me Blackie, John. We’re pals now.’
‘Sure, Blackie. My friends call me Yo-Yo. Blackie, I—’
‘His friends call him Yo-Yo,’ Colonel Korn sang out to Colonel Cathcart. ‘Why don’t
you congratulate Yo-Yo on what a sensible move he’s making?’
‘That’s a real sensible move you’re making, Yo-Yo,’ Colonel Cathcart said, pumping
Yossarian’s hand with clumsy zeal.
‘Thank you, Colonel, I—’
‘Call him Chuck,’ said Colonel Korn.
‘Sure, call me Chuck,’ said Colonel Cathcart with a laugh that was hearty and