“Catch-22” By Joseph - Khamkoo

“Catch-22” By Joseph Heller 245
‘I try not to think of that,’ Major Danby admitted frankly. ‘But I try to concentrate on only
the big result and to forget that they are succeeding, too. I try to pretend that they are
not significant.’
‘That’s my trouble, you know,’ Yossarian mused sympathetically, folding his arms.
‘Between me and every ideal I always find Scheisskopfs, Peckems, Korns and
Cathcarts. And that sort of changes the ideal.’
‘You must try not to think of them,’ Major Danby advised affirmatively. ‘And you must
never let them change your values. Ideals are good, but people are sometimes not so
good. You must try to look up at the big picture.’ Yossarian rejected the advice with a
skeptical shake of his head. ‘When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don’t see heaven
or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human
tragedy.’
‘But you must try not to think of that, too,’ Major Danby insisted. ‘And you must try not
to let it upset you.’
‘Oh, it doesn’t really upset me. What does upset me, though, is that they think I’m a
sucker. They think that they’re smart, and that the rest of us are dumb. And, you know,
Danby, the thought occurs to me right now, for the first time, that maybe they’re right.’
‘But you must try not to think of that too,’ argued Major Danby. ‘You must think only of
the welfare of your country and the dignity of man.’
‘Yeah,’ said Yossarian.
‘I mean it, Yossarian. This is not World War One. You must never forget that we’re at
war with aggressors who would not let either one of us live if they won.’
‘I know that,’ Yossarian replied tersely, with a sudden surge of scowling annoyance.
‘Christ, Danby, I earned that medal I got, no matter what their reasons were for giving it
to me. I’ve flown seventy goddam combat missions. Don’t talk to me about fighting to
save my country. I’ve been fighting all along to save my country. Now I’m going to fight a
little to save myself. The country’s not in danger any more, but I am.’
‘The war’s not over yet. The Germans are driving toward Antwerp.’
‘The Germans will be beaten in a few months. And Japan will be beaten a few months
after that. If I were to give up my life now, it wouldn’t be for my country. It would be for
Cathcart and Korn. So I’m turning my bombsight in for the duration. From now on I’m
thinking only of me.’ Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile, ‘But,
Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way.’
‘Then I’d certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn’t I?’ Yossarian sat
up straighter with a quizzical expression. ‘You know, I have a queer feeling that I’ve
been through this exact conversation before with someone. It’s just like the chaplain’s
sensation of having experienced everything twice.’
‘The chaplain wants you to let them send you home,’ Major Danby remarked.
‘The chaplain can jump in the lake.’
‘Oh, dear.’ Major Danby sighed, shaking his head in regretful disappointment. ‘He’s
afraid he might have influenced you.’
‘He didn’t influence me. You know what I might do? I might stay right here in this
hospital bed and vegetate. I could vegetate very comfortably right here and let other
people make the decisions.’
‘You must make decisions,’ Major Danby disagreed. ‘A person can’t live like a
vegetable.’
‘Why not?’ A distant warm look entered Major Danby’s eyes. ‘It must be nice to live
like a vegetable,’ he conceded wistfully.
‘It’s lousy,’ answered Yossarian.
‘No, it must be very pleasant to be free from all this doubt and pressure,’ insisted
Major Danby. ‘I think I’d like to live like a vegetable and make no important decisions.’
‘What kind of vegetable, Danby?’
‘A cucumber or a carrot.’
‘What kind of cucumber? A good one or a bad one?’
‘Oh, a good one, of course.’