Create successful ePaper yourself
Turn your PDF publications into a flip-book with our unique Google optimized e-Paper software.
“Catch-22” <strong>By</strong> <strong>Joseph</strong> Heller 122<br />
minute, Dad,’ he suggested hesitantly. ‘I don’t think you can shoot him.’ General Dreedle<br />
was infuriated by his intervention. ‘Who the hell says I can’t?’ he thundered<br />
pugnaciously in a voice loud enough to rattle the whole building. Colonel Moodus, his<br />
face flushing with embarrassment, bent close to whisper into his ear. ‘Why the hell can’t<br />
I?’ General Dreedle bellowed. Colonel Moodus whispered some more. ‘You mean I can’t<br />
shoot anyone I want to?’ General Dreedle demanded with uncompromising indignation.<br />
He pricked up his ears with interest as Colonel Moodus continued whispering. ‘Is that a<br />
fact?’ he inquired, his rage tamed by curiosity.<br />
‘Yes, Dad. I’m afraid it is.’<br />
‘I guess you think you’re pretty goddam smart, don’t you?’ General Dreedle lashed out<br />
at Colonel Moodus suddenly.<br />
Colonel Moodus turned crimson again. ‘No, Dad, it isn’t—’<br />
‘All right, let the insubordinate son of a bitch go,’ General Dreedle snarled, turning<br />
bitterly away from his son-in-law and barking peevishly at Colonel Cathcart’s chauffeur<br />
and Colonel Cathcart’s meteorologist. ‘But get him out of this building and keep him out.<br />
And let’s continue this goddam briefing before the war ends. I’ve never seen so much<br />
incompetence.’ Colonel Cathcart nodded lamely at General Dreedle and signaled his<br />
men hurriedly to push Major Danby outside the building. As soon as Major Danby had<br />
been pushed outside, though, there was no one to continue the briefing. Everyone<br />
gawked at everyone else in oafish surprise. General Dreedle turned purple with rage as<br />
nothing happened. Colonel Cathcart had no idea what to do. He was about to begin<br />
moaning aloud when Colonel Korn came to the rescue by stepping forward and taking<br />
control. Colonel Cathcart sighed with enormous, tearful relief, almost overwhelmed with<br />
gratitude.<br />
‘Now, men, we’re going to synchronize our watches,’ Colonel Korn began promptly in<br />
a sharp, commanding manner, rolling his eyes flirtatiously in General Dreedle’s<br />
direction. ‘We’re going to synchronize our watches one time and one time only, and if it<br />
doesn’t come off in that one time, General Dreedle and I are going to want to know why.<br />
Is that clear?’ He fluttered his eyes toward General Dreedle again to make sure his plug<br />
had registered. ‘Now set your watches for nine-eighteen.’ Colonel Korn synchronized<br />
their watches without a single hitch and moved ahead with confidence. He gave the men<br />
the colors of the day and reviewed the weather conditions with an agile, flashy<br />
versatility, casting sidelong, simpering looks at General Dreedle every few seconds to<br />
draw increased encouragement from the excellent impression he saw he was making.<br />
Preening and pruning himself effulgendy and strutting vaingloriously about the platform<br />
as he picked up momentum, he gave the men the colors of the day again and shifted<br />
nimbly into a rousing pep talk on the importance of the bridge at Avignon to the war<br />
effort and the obligation of each man on the mission to place love of country above love<br />
of life. When his inspiring dissertation was finished, he gave the men the colors of the<br />
day still one more time, stressed the angle of approach and reviewed the weather<br />
conditions again. Colonel Korn felt himself at the full height of his powers. He belonged<br />
in the spotlight.<br />
Comprehension dawned slowly on Colonel Cathcart; when it came, he was struck<br />
dumb. His face grew longer and longer as he enviously watched Colonel Korn’s<br />
treachery continue, and he was almost afraid to listen when General Dreedle moved up<br />
beside him and, in a whisper blustery enough to be heard throughout the room,<br />
demanded, ‘Who is that man?’ Colonel Cathcart answered with wan foreboding, and<br />
General Dreedle then cupped his hand over his mouth and whispered something that<br />
made Colonel Cathcart’s face glow with immense joy. Colonel Korn saw and quivered<br />
with uncontainable rapture. Had he just been promoted in the field by General Dreedle<br />
to full colonel? He could not endure the suspense. With a masterful flourish, he brought<br />
the briefing to a close and turned expectantly to receive ardent congratulations from<br />
General Dreedle—who was already striding out of the building without a glance<br />
backward, trailing his nurse and Colonel Moodus behind him. Colonel Korn was stunned<br />
by this disappointing sight, but only for an instant. His eyes found Colonel Cathcart, who
Change language