“Catch-22” By Joseph - Khamkoo

“Catch-22” By Joseph Heller 243
‘It’s a lousy deal, Danby. It’s an odious deal.’
‘Oh, dear,’ Major Danby fretted, running his bare hand over his dark, wiry hair, which
was already soaked with perspiration to the tops of the thick, close-cropped waves. ‘Oh
dear.’
‘Danby, don’t you think it’s odious?’ Major Danby pondered a moment. ‘Yes, I suppose
it is odious,’ he conceded with reluctance. His globular, exophthalmic eyes were quite
distraught. ‘But why did you make such a deal if you didn’t like it?’
‘I did it in a moment of weakness,’ Yossarian wisecracked with glum irony. ‘I was
trying to save my life.’
‘Don’t you want to save your life now?’
‘That’s why I won’t let them make me fly more missions.’
‘Then let them send you home and you’ll be in no more danger.’
‘Let them send me home because I flew more than fifty missions,’ Yossarian said, ‘and
not because I was stabbed by that girl, or because I’ve turned into such a stubborn son
of a bitch.’ Major Danby shook his head emphatically in sincere and bespectacled
vexation. ‘They’d have to send nearly every man home if they did that. Most of the men
have more than fifty missions. Colonel Cathcart couldn’t possibly requisition so many
inexperienced replacement crews at one time without causing an investigation. He’s
caught in his own trap.’
‘That’s his problem.’
‘No, no, no, Yossarian,’ Major Danby disagreed solicitously. ‘It’s your problem.
Because if you don’t go through with the deal, they’re going to institute court-martial
proceedings as soon as you sign out of the hospital.’ Yossarian thumbed his nose at
Major Danby and laughed with smug elation. ‘The hell they will! Don’t lie to me, Danby.
They wouldn’t even try.’
‘But why wouldn’t they?’ inquired Major Danby, blinking with astonishment.
‘Because I’ve really got them over a barrel now. There’s an official report that says I
was stabbed by a Nazi assassin trying to kill them. They’d certainly look silly trying to
court-martial me after that.’
‘But, Yossarian!’ Major Danby exclaimed. ‘There’s another official report that says you
were stabbed by an innocent girl in the course of extensive black-market operations
involving acts of sabotage and the sale of military secrets to the enemy.’ Yossarian was
taken back severely with surprise and disappointment. ‘Another official report?’
‘Yossarian, they can prepare as many official reports as they want and choose
whichever ones they need on any given occasion. Didn’t you know that?’
‘Oh, dear,’ Yossarian murmured in heavy dejection, the blood draining from his face.
‘Oh, dear.’ Major Danby pressed forward avidly with a look of vulturous well-meaning.
‘Yossarian, do what they want and let them send you home. It’s best for everyone that
way.’
‘It’s best for Cathcart, Korn and me, not for everyone.’
‘For everyone,’ Major Danby insisted. ‘It will solve the whole problem.’
‘Is it best for the men in the group who will have to keep flying more missions?’ Major
Danby flinched and turned his face away uncomfortably for a second. ‘Yossarian,’ he
replied, ‘it will help nobody if you force Colonel Cathcart to court-martial you and prove
you guilty of all the crimes with which you’ll be charged. You will go to prison for a long
time, and your whole life will be ruined.’ Yossarian listened to him with a growing feeling
of concern. ‘What crimes will they charge me with?’
‘Incompetence over Ferrara, insubordination, refusal to engage the enemy in combat
when ordered to do so, and desertion.’ Yossarian sucked his cheeks in soberly. ‘They
could charge me with all that, could they? They gave me a medal for Ferrara. How could
they charge me with incompetence now?’
‘Aarfy will swear that you and McWatt lied in your official report.’
‘I’ll bet the bastard would!’
‘They will also find you guilty,’ Major Danby recited, ‘of rape, extensive black-market
operations, acts of sabotage and the sale of military secrets to the enemy.’