Unexpected Freedom

Meeting our Angerbecoming indignant. While other family members, whowere having more children or earning more money, receivedpraise and recognition, the fact that I had beenenthusiastically and consistently committed to the life of arenunciate monk for twenty-odd years received noappreciation. When I was younger, this stony indifference tomy spiritual orientation was a cause of considerable upsetand hot-temperedness on my part. Of course my reasoncame up with rational explanations for my family’sbehaviour, but inside I could hear the voice of myindignation, saying, “But what about me? Doesn’t it count forsomething that I have been getting up every morningrededicating my life to all sentient beings and working hardto help others? And, and...” I would regularly come downwith a sore throat, an eye infection or some disease that wassymptomatic of the inner struggle I was having with my rage.As I grew older, both physically and in the training, thoseinner voices became much quieter. I have learned how goodit feels to not have to react, so that I can go away with mydignity intact. I cannot say that the voices are never there butthe relationship I have with them is very different from whatit was. I find I can respect them. At the very least I canendure them! With this inner shift, home visits have becomemore harmonious.With this practice I learn to see such thoughts as, ‘whatabout me?’ as expressions of our heart’s precious energy. Weare free to allow that energy to be kidnapped by the deludedconditioning of our minds and be wasted on indignation andblame if we wish, but we are also free to engage that sameenergy in the cultivation of strength of heart. Patience isnourishing; compassion is nourishing; and ill will, anger andresentment are not the enemies of these virtues. This rawenergy is an indicator of where our heart is.79