Unexpected Freedom

Unexpected FreedomA non-judgemental, non-condemning, all-forgiving, alwaysloving, thoroughly acceptable, agreeable, rounded, nice,improved me appears as an altogether unattractive fantasy;both unconvincing and uninteresting. What is interesting,what is genuinely attractive, is the possibility of experiencingthe reality of being in the centre of our own reactions. Notpretending to not be afraid, not pretending to not get off onpraise, not pretending to not dislike blame. But when forinstance we feel blame and we dislike it we receive it fully.Why pretend about reality? When we’re feeling good aboutbeing praised and appreciated, we know it as it is. Whenwe’re feeling afraid we say, ‘Yes, I feel afraid.’ We feel what wefeel until there’s no distance, no split within us, and we’re onewith what we’re feeling.In attempting to do this there is the real risk that we tapinto more passion than we know how to contain. And if thisis the case then we must acknowledge that we need todevelop more strength of containment, more stability ofcharacter. We humbly recognise it, without trying to pushpast, without trying to overcome anything, without trying tobypass any stages or any experience, without trying tobecome enlightened or something. We own up to thelimitations that we are experiencing, and we come back toexercising the discipline of attention, engaging with interestin the practice of mindfulness of breathing. We want to dothis not because it’s good or it’s right or it’s what some experttold us we should do but because we want to have thestrength and the skill to be able to surrender ourselves intothe reality that at this stage we intuit is at least possible.If we approach our samadhi practice with this kind ofwholehearted interest then it won’t lead to fightingourselves, it won’t lead us into heedless judging of ourselveswhen we come across our limitations. It’s inevitable that, as88