Here - Health Promotion Agency

Habits and behaviour
A NEW BABY IN THE FAMILY
Coping with two children is very
different from coping with one, and
it can be tough at first, especially if
your first child isn’t very old. So far
as the baby goes, you’ve got more
experience and probably more
confidence, which helps, but the
work more than doubles, and
dividing your time and attention
can be a strain.
It’s not unusual for the birth of a
second baby to alter your feelings
towards your first child. It would be
strange if it didn’t. At first you may
feel that you’re somehow not loving
your first one as much or enough.
Some parents say they feel very
protective towards the baby and
‘go off ’ the older one for a while.
It simply takes time to adjust to
being a bigger family and loving
more than one child.
Your older child, no matter what
his or her age, has to adjust too. You
can probably help with this, and that
will help you.
•
Try to keep as many of the
old routines and activities as
you can, like going to playgroup,
going to visit friends, telling a
bedtime story. This may not be
easy in the early weeks, but it
gives reassurance.
•
Don’t expect your older child
to be pleased with the baby
or to feel the way you do.
It’s lovely if the pleasure is shared,
but it’s best not to expect it.
•
Do expect an older child to be
more demanding and to want
more and need more of you.
Someone like a grandparent can
often help by giving the older
one time. But try to give some
special attention yourself, and
have some time alone together,
so your older child doesn’t feel
pushed out.
•
Older children don’t always
find babies very lovable,
but they often find them
interesting. You may be able to
encourage this. There’s a lot you
can say and explain about babies,
and children like to be given
facts. Talk about what your older
one was like and did as a baby.
Get out the old toys and photos.
And try to make looking after and
playing with the baby a good
game, without expecting too much.
•
Feeds are often difficult. An
older child may well feel left out
and jealous. Find something for
him or her to do, or make feeds
a time for a story or a chat.
•
Be prepared for your older
child to go back to baby
behaviour for a time – wanting
a bottle, wetting pants, wanting
to be carried. It’s hard, but don’t
always refuse requests, and try
not to get angry.
•
There’ll be jealousy and
resentment, shown one way or
another, sooner or later. You can
only do so much. If you and your
partner, or you and a grandparent
or friend, can sometimes give
each other time alone with each
child, you won’t feel so constantly
pulled in different directions.
‘When you’ve got the one,
you don’t know how easy it
is. Once you’ve got the two
of them, it’s much more
than twice the work. At the
beginning when the second’s
only a baby still, that’s the
most difficult time of all.’
‘When I only had one, if he
had a tantrum, I found I could
ignore it and stay fairly calm.
Now, with the two of them, if
I try to ignore anything, it
turns into a full-scale war.’
‘I feel split in two.
They pull me in different
directions the whole time
and it’s almost impossible
to do right by both of them.
What's right for the baby
is wrong for my older one,
and the same the other
way round. I love them
both, but there doesn’t seem
any way of showing them
that, or of being fair.’
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