Here - Health Promotion Agency

Habits and behaviour
‘Sometimes I will smack her
because she’s done something
really bad or really dangerous.
But other times I know I want
to smack her just because of the
way I’m feeling, and after, I’ll
feel bad about it. When it’s
like that, I just walk away. If
John’s at home, I’ll ask him to
take over. And if I’m on my
own, I just go into another
room and count to ten.’
‘It drives me mad. He’s plenty
old enough to use the toilet,
but he won’t have anything but
the potty, and I’m running
around all day emptying it. I
had to leave him for a morning
with my sister. So I took the
potty and told her, you know,
I’m sorry, but he won’t use the
toilet. And when I got back, it
turned out he’d gone to the
toilet every time, no fuss,
nothing said or anything.’
‘I think what’s so wearing is
that it all depends on mood.
Not their mood, but mine too.
And you have to hide your
feelings away so much, and
they just let theirs out. If they
want to lie down and cry
because their favourite
T-shirt’s in the wash or you
won’t buy them something at
the shops, they just do it. And
when they do it in front of
other people, that’s awful.’
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REMEMBER
It’s all right not to be a
‘perfect’ parent.
Be positive about the good things
When a child is being really difficult,
it can come to dominate everything.
That doesn’t help anybody. What
can help is to say (or show) when
you feel good about something.
Make a habit of often letting your
child know when he or she is
making you happy. You can do that
just by giving attention, a smile or a
hug. There doesn’t have to be a
‘good’ reason. Let your child know
that you love him or her just for
being themselves.
Rewards
Rewards can put pressure on a child,
when maybe what’s needed is to take
the pressure off. If you promise a
treat in advance, and your child
doesn’t manage to ‘earn’ it, it can
cause a lot of disappointment and
difficulty. Giving a reward after
something has been achieved, rather
than promising it beforehand, is less
risky. After all, a hug is a reward.
Smacking
Smacking may stop a child at that
moment from doing whatever he or
she is doing, but it is unlikely to
have a lasting effect. Children learn
most by example. If you hit your
child, you’re telling the child that
hitting is reasonable behaviour.
Children who are treated
aggressively by their parents are more
likely to be aggressive themselves and
to take out their angry feelings on
others who are smaller and weaker
than they are. Parents do sometimes
smack their children, but it is better
to teach by example that hitting
people is wrong.
WHEN EVERY DAY IS A BAD DAY
No parent ‘does it well’ all of the
time. All parents have bad days, and
most go through times when one
bad day seems to follow another.
Since you can’t hand in your notice,
or take a week off, you have to find
some way of making life work.
When you’re tired or in a bad
mood, or when your child is tired or
in a bad mood, it can be hard to get
on together and get through the day.
You can end up arguing non-stop.
Even the smallest thing can make
you angry. If you go out to work, it’s
especially disappointing if the short
time you’ve got to spend with your
child is spoilt by arguments.
Most children also go through
patches of being difficult or awkward
over certain things – dressing, eating,
or going to bed at night.
Knowing that it makes you cross
or upset probably makes them still
more difficult. And you become
more and more tense, and less and
less able to cope.
STOP! AND START AGAIN
When you’re in a bad patch, a
change in routine or a change in the
way in which you’re dealing with a
problem can be all that’s needed to
stop an endless cycle of difficult
behaviour. Here are some ideas.
•
Do things at different times.
An argument that always happens
at one time of day may not
happen at another. Do the
difficult things when your child
is least tired or most co-operative.
For example, try dressing your
child after breakfast rather than
before; have lunch earlier, or
later, and so on.
•
Find things to do (however
ordinary) that your child enjoys,
and do them together. Let your
child know that you’re happy
when he or she is happy. Every