CHECK Berlin / Brandenburg #5

PARTNERSHIP
ENGLISH
SELF-RESPECT
IN YOUR PARTNERSHIP
Interview: Torsten Schwick
Mistrust, insults, absurd tokens of love: many couples are familiar with these problems.
But what does it mean when a once beautiful relationship suddenly turns into a war of
the roses? Life coach Sven Rebel, known from the TV format “Ganz schön Berlin”, talks
to us about entrapment, the need for control and why self-respect is so important in a
partnership.
Hello Sven, you often work with couples. In
your experience, how do problems often arise
in relationships?
This of course comes down to the individual.
But a lot of problems occur when one or both
partners have lost their self-respect. Or maybe
they never really had any in the first place.
Self-respect is the degree to which we respect
ourselves. It‘s about a lot of things: dignity, selfconfidence
and also trust in our abilities, i.e.
how competently we act in certain situations.
If we lack self-respect, we can no longer act
specifically and consciously. This leads to
problematic situations.
How do these problems manifest?
It is often the case that one party puts pressure
on the other. The other party allows it, even
though they – mostly or often – know that it is
wrong. In that case, the “oppressed” party is the
one with too little self-respect.
Many people try to solve their own internal problems
through their partner: by humiliation, by
applying pressure or by instilling fear. Ultimately,
there is always the need for control behind
everything. When I‘m in control of someone, I
feel better. It‘s a form of self-exaltation.
It is not always the partner who triggers a lack
of self-esteem. The problem is usually there before.
But when a situation occurs with this lack
of self-worth, the issue becomes larger. You
start to lower your self-esteem more and more.
Because you believe that if you still do this and
that, if you make yourself smaller and respond
to a lot of conditions and demands, then everything
will be fine. But this behavior only makes
the relationship and yourself weaker.
That sounds a lot like “good versus bad”. But
it‘s usually not that simple...
Someone who doesn‘t treat their partner well
isn’t necessarily doing it with bad intent, but
maybe because they have found it can also
be good for themselves. They have improved
their own life and now the partner no longer
fits into the old pattern. This is of course very
bad and terrible for those left behind. But the
supposedly “bad guy” has found fulfillment and
satisfaction.
As a coach, where do you start when something
like this happens?
First of all, I take a very close look at people‘s
individual situations. Then I usually speak to
the partners separately in order to first work
through certain well-established routines and
patterns. I try to understand people inclusive of
their individual story, topic and feelings. Then
we work together to find out how much the
relationship is actually worth and how much
appreciation they have for one another. The
partners then express their wishes and needs
and decide how much they are willing to do for
the other. I do it like this because before anything
you first have to know what you actually
want. What are you ready to give and to give
up? Don’t start by thinking about what the other
one is doing wrong. Think about what is good
78 CHECK BERLIN/BRANDENBURG #5