Burlesques William Makepeace Thackeray

149
Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he could up the steps of
the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as I have said, the musnuds or general officers
were seated), and I arrived within speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the
success of my mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of
questions: "How many men are there in the fort?" said he; "how many women? Is it
victualled? Have they ammunition? Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the commander? did you
kill him?"
All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of tobacco.
Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon my honor as a
gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could perceive anything of me except the pillar
of smoke in which I was encompassed, I told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the
best tale I could with regard to the fort.
"Sir" said I, "to answer your last question first—that dreadful Gujputi I have seen—and he
is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in height; he can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven
hundred at present in the compound, and swears that during the siege he will content
himself with only three a week): he has lost in battle his left eye; and what is the
consequence? O Ram Gunge" (O thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning and-with-beardas-black-as-night),
"Goliah Gujputi—NEVER SLEEPS!"
"Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world)," said the Prince Vizier, Saadut Alee Beg
Bimbukchee—"it's joking you are;"—and there was a universal buzz through the room at
the announcement of this bouncer.
"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu," said I, solemnly, (an oath which no
Indian was ever known to break,) "I swear that so it is: so at least he told me, and I have
good cause to know his power. Gujputi is an enchanter: he is leagued with devils; he is
invulnerable. Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger—and every eye turned instantly
towards me—"thrice did I stab him with this steel—in the back, once—twice right through
the heart; but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar that the steel was not
yet forged which was to inflict an injury upon him."
I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this somewhat imprudent
message.
"Ah, lily-livered rogue!" shouted he out to me, "milk-blooded unbeliever! pale-faced
miscreant! lives he after insulting thy master in thy presence! In the name of the prophet, I
spit on thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade thee! Take that, thou liar of the universe! and
that—and that—and that!"