Burlesques William Makepeace Thackeray

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We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would have sent them
about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted, "Mamma, you know THEY have
been used to great houses, and we have not; had we not better keep them for a little?"—
Keep them, then, we did, to show us how to be gentlefolks.
I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of premium, though
Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for it; but this I was above: Crump
had served me faithfully, and have the shop he should.
FIRST ROUT.
We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house without friends? Jemmy
made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and I was a solitary being; when,
luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce
us into distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us the honor of
lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him, and of his little account, too, by
the way. A fortnight after, hearing of our good fortune, he was among us again, however;
and Jemmy was not a little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very
fond of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on one occasion
absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said
afterwards, that he was always fond of her.
Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune, though he did all
he could to try at first; and I told him to come and take his dinner regular, as if nothing had
happened. But to this Jemima very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her
stature, and to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a great
scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was forbidden the
house—for ever!
So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. "You see, sir," our
Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and country mansion, and a hundred and thirty
thousand pounds in the funds, to leave between our two children; and, with such prospects,
they ought surely to have the first society of England." To this Tagrag agreed, and promised
to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what's more, did.
First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays and Saturdays. As
for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who
used to laugh all the way, and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was
sent straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend Doctor
Pigney's, at Richmond.