Burlesques William Makepeace Thackeray

65
"'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately at his wife, 'but we have
enough, love, have we not, for our humble wants? The rich and luxurious may go to
Dillow's or Gobiggin's, but we can get our rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's
for 20L.' And putting on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her husband, the stoker's
pretty bride tripped gayly to the well-known mart, where Timmonson, within his usual
affability, was ready to receive them.
"Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. 'Where did you get this
delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or what you please?' said Count Blagowski to the gay
young Sir Horace Swellmore. The voluptuous Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So-and-
So's.' The answer is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your larder in this way. Begad,
Snooks! I lick my lips at the very idea.
"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a word for them!
Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington with an assortment of his unrivalled
waistcoats, or clad in that simple but aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the
secret. Parvy Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent and crooked,
Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don't you see what a stroke of business you might
do in this way.
"The shoemaker.—Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the ball-room; only a
Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by Chevillett of Bond Street could move in that
fairy way; and
"The hairdresser.—'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said the Earl. 'I remember
him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has not a single gray hair.' Wiggins laughed. 'My
good Lord Baldock,' said the old wag, 'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of Ducroissant's
shop, and under his valet's arm—ho! ho! ho!'—and the two bon-vivans chuckled as the
Count passed by, talking with, &c. &c.
"The gunmaker.—'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed before his gigantic
enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one of Clicker's manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke
knew he could trust the maker and the weapon. "One, two, THREE," cried O'Tool, and the
two pistols went off at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Lifeguardsman,' &c.—
A sentence of this nature from your pen, my dear Snooks, would, I should think, bring a
case of pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your lodgings; and, though heaven forbid you
should use such weapons, you might sell them, you know, and we could make merry with
the proceeds.
"If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear Snooks; and should
anything come of it, I hope you will remember your friend."